Disconnected

Thats the view from the bed i'm lying on.. Double decker. I feel like i'm so disconnected from everything, everyone else. Its what ppl call loneliness? But i think in my case it goes further than that. Perhaps its simply reached the age where the inner man within yearn for his soul mate? Not just a companion. Someone whose soul connects with your own. Yet looking in the mirror i do not think i'm ready altho i wish i am. In fact i probably deserve to live out my life alone. I've repeated that to myself countless times.. Tried losing myself in my games.. Travelled.. Yet i've only succeeded in making that emptiness in myself more pronounced. The gap that even God can't fill. Or it could be that i'm keeping Him out on purpose. My spirit cries out "i don't want to be alone!" hoping for someone to hear me. To understand me. To kick me telling me to shut up. But i don't envision that happening anytime soon. Where's the power plug? I wish i could pull it out. No resets for me. I don't deserve it. Argh.. Another cloudy day in my world..