Goal in life?

It seems that everyone has a goal or goals in life. Most are what i consider worldly goals.

I want to be a doctor.

I want to be rich.

I want to marry a beautiful wife who loves me.

I want to own a WRX.

(Just examples...)

Even the religious ones like "I want to be a pastor, I want to preach in Africa..."

Goal in life = Reason to live?

I'm not saying its bad to have goals. Its good, and i'm glad you have one. Everyone should have a goal in life, something to make living worthwhile. All the shitnez that we go through in life, the pain, the suffering, the hurts... there must be something in the end that makes it all worthwhile right?

But if you ask me what my goal is in life, i won't know how to describe it. Usually i'd end up saying "I've no goal..." Its not exactly true, but then, my goal isn't in the usual list that people draw from. Sure, it'd be nice to achieve something at the end of it all. To be wealthy, to have someone to love me, and to love someone, to see my legacy continued on by my decendants. Yet it isn't what i'd qualify as a reason to live.

So what is it?

I don't know yet. I keep saying i'd know when i find it, and people are often skeptical over this proclaimation. He'd probably NEVER find it. Heh... actually if you look at it in another way, i do know what it is, in the sense that i know what isn't it.

To understand my goal in life, you have to understand me. Look at the world and life within it, the way i see it.

Life

The Chinese have this saying: 生老病死. These 4 words sum up our meagre existence on earth. To 生 (Be born), 老 (Grow old), 病 (Fall ill) and 死 (Die). What goes on in between is of no consequence. Eventually we all grow old whether you are rich or poor, successful or a failure. We fall prey to illness. And finally death claims us all.

I'm really proud of the Chinese philosophers in ancient times. They see what many people today still do not see. They see the meaning or meaningless of life should it be limited to just these 70-odd years on earth. Sure, you can leave a legacy behind, an empire, a civilisation, carriers of your ideals and beliefs. Yet as time passes, even the strongest of these fade and disappear. And what does it matter to the individual? Dead is dead.

Sure we hate 秦始皇 (The First Emperor of Qin). But we have to acknowledge his foresight, that at the pinnacle of his power, he saw the futility of it all, he saw death. The one thing that would rob him of everything, which ironically is the one thing he could not conquer.

Argh... my head's splitting, my heart's pounding. I'm scraping the surface of what i want to bring forth yet i can't find the words to say them. Sometimes language is so limited. Someone once asked: What language do we think in? I believe that we think in our native language, be it English, Mandarin, Malay, Tamil or whatever. And with every language, there will be situations where it is unable to commute what the heart desires, and the brain makes up for it with pictures, emotions, sensations. And that is why it is so hard to share my deepest beliefs. An accumulation of my life's experiences, my thoughts, my feelings...

Light on a lampstand

All men die. There is no escape. There was no hope, no future, no purpose to our lives. Of cos to most people they don't see it till the end. To some, we see it right from the beginning. 孔子 (Confuscious) sought 道 (The Way). The way out of this one way trip. By their own intellect many before and after him did the same. They wanted to find proof that their lives were not in vain. That there is SOMETHING after death. They wanted to believe that by the work that they do in this lifetime, they might gain eternal life in the form of 成仙 (godhood). A pity they did not hear Christ as He announced to the world : John 14:6 "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

The WAY that they sought. The light in the darkness that would lead them out.

今日不如往日 / Past > Present

How ironic that with all the technological advances and knowledge gained of the world, with the education that we are all given, we fail to see what people have seen in ages long past. Today we are self-smitten with our puny accomplishments, we chase the world blindly, devoting all our life's energy into something that holds no meaning after death. We strive so hard for something that seems valueable cos everyone else wants it, only to realise finally, when we do have it that we had lost out on what is really important and valueable. What is it with the world today that EVERYONE wants riches and power?

Matthew 16:25 - "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"

I find it hard to believe it when someone says that he gains riches so as to benefit the Church. Or that he wants to be a successful person to glorify God (remember a childhood friend who asked me, given a rich successful person and a beggar, who would you look up to more and listen to?).

If that were true, then give ALL of your riches to the Church. Give up all that you have gained and serve God in your full capacity. God uses people from all walks of life, be it a "successful" person or even a beggar. Don't place limits on Almighty God by suggesting that He can only work through "successful" people. Fine, i'm being pretty biased here, bleah...

God does not NEED our money or anything from us. We give, in order to gain. He wants us to give up that which is worthless and in return He gives us that which is priceless.

Why is this turning into another religious tirade? Hmmm... Maybe cos i'm quite pissed with Christians who don't SEE or HEAR. I'm tired of trying to explain to people who should already know what i know. People who should understand yet see me with the same eyes of those who don't.

You know what? I'm not going into anymore detail. I don't know how to anymore... I feel so alone... Its pitiful. It makes me doubt my beliefs sometimes. Yet when i want to quit, something always holds me back. Something deep inside tells me to hang on. I can't give up. I have to keep trying. Trying...? Trying to do what? I guess right now i'm just trying to find someone who sees what i see. Someone to confirm the value of my existence.

***
Yes God, i know you're here always, but sometimes i wish i had someone physical to hug... someone to wipe my tears... That wish had gotten me into tons of trouble i know heh. But after yesterday's struggle, i SEE the trap that lies in that direction more clearly now. I think i understand this weakness of mine. Nonetheless, that dumb egg's not giving up, so Please, God, Please keep me strong once and for all. Let me learn to accept my life. So be it, if it is meant to be the way it is. So be it. I submit before you. Mold me that you may Use me.

***
Hot shower
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Hmm... To sum it all up, i guess my goal for now, is just to find out if i'm right. And to find someone similar. Once done, i guess my goal would be to make EVERYONE See and Hear heh.