Grandpa's Gone...

19 Oct 09

Grandpa passed away at 1630hrs while I was in the middle of a meeting. Mum messaged me but I wasn't able to receive messages in mandarin. Wasn't till she called at 1700hrs that I got the news. Even then, I put off disrupting the meeting till almost half an hour later. If I weren't the secretariat for the event that we're meeting about, I would have sounded off immediately. Still. Filial piety vs responsibility?

Dad came to fetch me and we reached the hospital at 1845hrs. Grandpa's body had already been moved away. Too late.

***

When I visited him the day before, it was one of those rare moments when he actually seemed to recognise me. Shook my hand and we did the wrestling grip as we always did in the past. Dad said grandpa kept making the "kong ka kiao" sign with his fingers. I guess he knew, and that was his final moment of clarity...

***

For years I had been the only grandson amongst a bevy of female cousins. Naturally I was his pride and joy. I remember my aunts giving me the nickname "machinegun", cos I talked non-stop, my words struggling to keep up with my thoughts. First Aunt liked to call me "Xiao Feng Fan". Grandma would just call me "Ah Fan". For him, I was always "wa eh soon" - my grandson.

I don't remember too much of him in my childhood. My impression is that he was a quiet man, content to sit there with his pipe watching. Dad takes after him in that quiet aspect, not the pipe lol.

My earliest memory of him is probably of when I was in Pri school. Mum doesn't recall it or maybe she didn't know of it, but he used to give him those awesome liquid ink Uniball pens, although they did smudge through my exercise books hah. I would bug him when I ran out and he would reach into the box and give me one. Oh and he gave me boxes of those China-brand pencils as well. I remember the smell of the wood hmm... And I remember him telling me to "study hard!" as he handed me the pencils and pens.

He became more withdrawn after his retirement. Probably cos he isn't the breadwinner anymore, and there were many things he couldn't provide for anymore. I kind of understood without understanding if you get my drift. Gradually, I saw less of him smiling, and more of him quarreling. And then he had a stroke. That took what was left out of him. He couldn't walk unassisted anymore, had difficulty speaking and his health started failing.

Grandma was saying just this morning that he became bad-tempered in part because of his disabilities, and also because of Alzheimer's onset. She understood that he didn't mean to be rowdy or be physically abusive. We all knew. But I know I didn't try to still show him the love, care and concern that he deserves. I saw him as his was now and forgot about how he was in the past. Perhaps everyone did. But as we looked at him lying there in the coffin, I felt emotions rush forth. Everyone remembered him as he was, the heroic father who had ventured to Singapore by himself at a tender age and settled down in this foreign land, the selfless father who had provided for his 2 daughters and 4 sons everything that they needed, the kindly grandpa who always looked on with his heart in his eyes...

Grandpa, lets meet again in the afterlife ya? This time I will come hold your hand and go on a walk with you...