New Year...

Its the New Year... But i don't really feel happy about it.

I did alot of soul searching with a recap of my life... with special focus on 2005, cos this is the year that i crawled back to God. All the way up till the last hour of 2005.

I'm crushed.

I see more filth than a dumpsite. My life's horrendous! Sure, there's some good spots... but... Sigh... Its true that if you cook an omelette with 5 eggs, one of which's bad, nothing u do after would save the omelette from its fate. No amount of soy sause or pepper would make it taste nor smell better. But of course, i know Jesus came to change that. Through Him we are saved.

The thing is, there are so many things i've done that are pure crap... Things i obviously KNOW to be wrong... Argh... Stupid stupid stupid... Baka baka baka... Arghhhhhhhh...

I've always known and told people that sin itself lies in our hearts and minds. Its a fine line that we thread, and by our decision at THE moment, we decide if we'll do the right thing or not... Yet for countless times, i've had to choose the wrong side. At the moment.

Kudos to W for this verse.

James 1:14-15

but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin, when its is full grown, gives birth to death.

How true that is! Evil desires... Humpfh... I totally agree that evil desires (or desires that are not what God would probably approve of) will only be accomplished through ways that usually involve sin. Haiz...

Really feel ashamed and disappointed with myself... And i prayed... the most sincere prayer i could muster... God, please keep me from falling to temptation... help me overcome temptation. I've tried doing it by my own will, and i know it doesn't work that way. Please help me... i want to improve... i want to repent... i want to move closer to you... for as long as i can, even if i'm already doomed. I don't care what my fate is, all i know is that i love you God, and i want to please you...

Flipped open the Bible and saw His words comforting me...

John 9:41

Jesus said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains."

Thank you Lord, that i may see my own failings, my sins and my weaknesses. I am blind... but through you i will see once more...

Sometimes when i think about facing God one day in Heaven, i'm freaking terrified. I've no idea how i can face Him with that multitude of sins that i have. Mostly committed AFTER i've known Him and His teachings. Sometimes i think i'd rather hide in hell than face Him...

But i won't... Cos i WILL crawl back home as the prodigal son did. I'll eat pig's feed if it'll give me strength for the journey home. I don't care if i'll only have one day to spend back home. I want to go home and tell Him i'm sorry, and i'm back. I want to see His smile. I'm back Father... I'm back...

***

Lord i thank you for your blessings upon me. I thank you for everything that you've given me. Please forgive me and help me not repeat my mistakes like i've in the past. Mould me that i may be used! Please use me... for if i am unusable, please take away my life... for there would no longer be any purpose to my life. Let me live that i may serve your purpose...