Lost

Have you ever felt like you're not sure who you are anymore, or what you're really doing? Its like when you suddenly stop and stand still in the middle of a busy street with people all streaming by, all going about their own business. Where is everybody going to? What are they doing? What am i doing? What am i doing here? Where do i go from here? Do i really want to go there?

For the past week or so, i've been feeling like i'm caught up in a whirlpool of sorts. Forced into a pattern that i do not wish for, drawn deeper and deeper in, helplessly knowing that only death awaits within. Its like i can never truly break free of the bonds that bind me to this path of self destruction. Everytime i think i've broken free, i suddenly find myself back in chains, back to square one.

Perhaps i've not truly broken free. I've been chained all this while, IMAGINING or DREAMING that i'm free? Perhaps i've never really put myself into His hands, the Master Swordsman, who with a single stroke of His sword would free me of these chains? Some people worry that He may miss and cut their flesh. Others have grown so accustomed to their chains that they feel naked without them.

***

On my way home just now, i was talking to myself as usual -.- Realised how i've been looking forward to the next week, or the next month and even the next year, everyday. Wishing that all these would pass by quickly, hoping that the future would be better, while doing nothing in the meantime that would bring about that better future that i was hoping for.

Wishing for Time to pass faster. Haha, isn't it silly for a being who only has a short 70 odd years to spend in existence on this world to wish for time to pass quickly? Especially so when he has almost wasted half that time away? I've a feeling if this continues, i'm going to be a sad old man when time's run out on me. >.<

Somehow none of this (being my life) seems real right now. I mean its not what it should be, everything's like so hazy and dream like, as if everything only exists in my brain, in my imagination. I keep having this nagging feeling that the REAL world's still out of reach out there, somewhere. That only when i start DOING what i've been talking and thinking about, and begin my Walk with God, will my eyes truly open and see the REAL world.

Where to begin? How to begin? Why do i feel so lost when i thought i've been walking with Him all the time? Or have i?

I did not become a Christian because i was afraid of going to hell when i die. Death was never on my mind, being so far off it seems. No, i became a Christian because i came to understand God's love for us all. And knowing that i began to see His plans for us, for myself. Everything that happened be it good or bad suddenly had a reason, although He was not behind all of it (most of which being a consequence of my own actions). He gave me a reason to carry on living, a purpose to my existence. He gave me the motivation to become a better man, a righteous man, judged not by the world, but by His standards. And that is my motivation to be a true Christian, not fear but love.

Oh there is fear of course. One fear. That on the day that i finally meet Him, He would say "I do not know you." That i had lived in vain, in His name, all the while never truly knowing Him nor His love. When i imagine the words coming from His mouth, my heart seems to stop beating, my brain goes into panic, the world spins and i feel so so lost. Much like a child happily running towards his parent, only to be given a cold stare and the words: "Who are you? Go away, i do not know you."

Tears.

Let me find the Way that you've shown. In your Words i seek the wisdom that i lack. Less of me and more of you until one day it is all you, my Lord.