Giddy giddy...
Sick old man...
Argh... been feeling giddy for the past few days. Everytime i turn my head too fast my entire vision just swims... feels like i'm falling backwards if i look up too quickly too. Bahh... Haven't been feeling this giddy for a long time. Haiz... Good time ar? Perhaps God decided i'm not worth keeping alive afterall? Haha...
Its just my imagination, but i've always kinda believed that there's something very wrong in my head, ever since the first onset of this giddiness half a decade ago. Wow saying half a decade makes me seem so old. Ok, about 5 years ago haha...
I've imagined myself dying from some brain tumour or some blood vessel in my brain bursting or something like that. Haha... Probably why i've always felt that i'll never live long enough to know what it would be like to be old. Be lucky to hit 40 ^^ Which also explains (partially) why nothing in this world really interests me.
We're all dying. But not everyone recognises it. Many people live in this fantasy that they will live forever. That the end is still far off. And thats why they can afford to throw days, months, years away for silly things that really don't matter. And usually at the expense of things that really matter.
The 败家子(Useless son?)
I want to be happy. And i'm always trying to be happy. But for some reason i'm not. Perhaps its because i can only really be happy when the people i care for are happy... You know, its not that i don't want to or can't be what my parents (my mum in particular) wants me to be. I can give them half my pay every month. And i do have plans to do that soon... But i HATE to have it seem like i was forced to do it. If only they would stop nagging me about it (from the 1st day i drew my FIRST pay...) perhaps i would just give it to them. I hate that feeling that they do not trust me. There was a time, a DECADE ago when my parents were so proud of me they would confidently tell everyone they knew that i would definitely take care of them when they're old. No worries about me contributing to the family. But not anymore. Not since i flunked. Sure, they never really scolded me or anything when i dropped out, but they've been sending me this negative feeling ever since. And thats not what i need at all. And then MONEY. Whats with their obsession with money?? Its exactly as i said earlier. The more they want it, the more i refuse to give them even a cent. I want to be able to get my pay, go home and tell my mum "Mum, here's 500 bucks for the family", and my sis "Nah, here's 50 bucks for the internet". But no... the moment i step into the house i'm hounded for money. Worse than loansharks. From the very first day. So no, i'd rather spend it all on girls who don't deserve my attention. Spend it on more games that just waste my life away. Spend it on food and get even fatter. Bahhhhhh...
Everyone knows the story about the man teaching a poor dude how to fish so that he could feed himself henceforth, rather than giving him a fish that he would finish in one meal. I have this belief that giving my family what they DEMAND is just like giving them that fish. Perhaps its because of my Christian beliefs? There is something i want them to see, that till now they haven't. Anyway its not as if they'll die of hunger without my monetary support. YET. Haha... Of couse its also wrong of me to splurge. Which is why i've also decided to put aside that amount of money i meant to give them, and maybe one day they'll get it? Heh... or when i die, whichever comes first laaaa...
***
Truth is, i don't really want to die. At least not yet. I want to have my own family someday... Try to have it the way i've always dreamt of. Together with my parents. Surprised? Despite everything, i want my parents to be part of the new family i would have eventually. I want family dinners. I want family outings. Everything that we never had time for. Heck, i even want family debates over a passage in the Bible. To pray together... I want my kids to be asking me "Papa, what is God like? Where is God? Do you think God likes me?..." I want to sneak up behind my wife with my kids as she's busy cooking and surprise her so that she knows we haven't forgotten her, that she hasn't been relegated to becoming the housemaid. I want to take a day off and cook a meal for everyone...
Dreams? i have many. Yet how many have come true? How many have i burst?
Argh... been feeling giddy for the past few days. Everytime i turn my head too fast my entire vision just swims... feels like i'm falling backwards if i look up too quickly too. Bahh... Haven't been feeling this giddy for a long time. Haiz... Good time ar? Perhaps God decided i'm not worth keeping alive afterall? Haha...
Its just my imagination, but i've always kinda believed that there's something very wrong in my head, ever since the first onset of this giddiness half a decade ago. Wow saying half a decade makes me seem so old. Ok, about 5 years ago haha...
I've imagined myself dying from some brain tumour or some blood vessel in my brain bursting or something like that. Haha... Probably why i've always felt that i'll never live long enough to know what it would be like to be old. Be lucky to hit 40 ^^ Which also explains (partially) why nothing in this world really interests me.
We're all dying. But not everyone recognises it. Many people live in this fantasy that they will live forever. That the end is still far off. And thats why they can afford to throw days, months, years away for silly things that really don't matter. And usually at the expense of things that really matter.
The 败家子(Useless son?)
I want to be happy. And i'm always trying to be happy. But for some reason i'm not. Perhaps its because i can only really be happy when the people i care for are happy... You know, its not that i don't want to or can't be what my parents (my mum in particular) wants me to be. I can give them half my pay every month. And i do have plans to do that soon... But i HATE to have it seem like i was forced to do it. If only they would stop nagging me about it (from the 1st day i drew my FIRST pay...) perhaps i would just give it to them. I hate that feeling that they do not trust me. There was a time, a DECADE ago when my parents were so proud of me they would confidently tell everyone they knew that i would definitely take care of them when they're old. No worries about me contributing to the family. But not anymore. Not since i flunked. Sure, they never really scolded me or anything when i dropped out, but they've been sending me this negative feeling ever since. And thats not what i need at all. And then MONEY. Whats with their obsession with money?? Its exactly as i said earlier. The more they want it, the more i refuse to give them even a cent. I want to be able to get my pay, go home and tell my mum "Mum, here's 500 bucks for the family", and my sis "Nah, here's 50 bucks for the internet". But no... the moment i step into the house i'm hounded for money. Worse than loansharks. From the very first day. So no, i'd rather spend it all on girls who don't deserve my attention. Spend it on more games that just waste my life away. Spend it on food and get even fatter. Bahhhhhh...
Everyone knows the story about the man teaching a poor dude how to fish so that he could feed himself henceforth, rather than giving him a fish that he would finish in one meal. I have this belief that giving my family what they DEMAND is just like giving them that fish. Perhaps its because of my Christian beliefs? There is something i want them to see, that till now they haven't. Anyway its not as if they'll die of hunger without my monetary support. YET. Haha... Of couse its also wrong of me to splurge. Which is why i've also decided to put aside that amount of money i meant to give them, and maybe one day they'll get it? Heh... or when i die, whichever comes first laaaa...
***
Truth is, i don't really want to die. At least not yet. I want to have my own family someday... Try to have it the way i've always dreamt of. Together with my parents. Surprised? Despite everything, i want my parents to be part of the new family i would have eventually. I want family dinners. I want family outings. Everything that we never had time for. Heck, i even want family debates over a passage in the Bible. To pray together... I want my kids to be asking me "Papa, what is God like? Where is God? Do you think God likes me?..." I want to sneak up behind my wife with my kids as she's busy cooking and surprise her so that she knows we haven't forgotten her, that she hasn't been relegated to becoming the housemaid. I want to take a day off and cook a meal for everyone...
Dreams? i have many. Yet how many have come true? How many have i burst?
posted by Justus at 4:20 PM
1 Comments:
-sigh- Dreams?? I haf tonnes too.. will they ever be actualised someday?? -sigh too-
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