It ain't that bad being single...
I've recently come to the conclusion that i don't deserve having anyone in my life.
I keep yearning for love. To be loved and love someone. Whenever i see couples hand in hand, smiling at each other, looking into each other's eyes, i feel so envious and wonder when we'll find each other.
Yet i don't deserve to find her. And she deserved someone better. Anyone but me. How can someone who can't even keep his heart mind and body pure for even a day talk about love? Yeah sure, if the mind's busy on other things a day might pass, a week and even a month. But one day a simple picture, or a scene in the movie, or even a chapter in a book would set the body aflame and the mind and the heart wanders. Yearns for things that aren't what love is all about. And you realise that all that talk about love is nonsense.
Apparently the year of solitude that i've imposed upon myself (or maybe it wasn't even my choice...) didn't help. And to think i had recently thought that i was ready. All nonsense! Not even close. And at this rate i wonder if i'll ever come close.
I'm so disappointed and angry at myself. So much so that just a moment ago i thought to myself: What use am i living in this world? God doesn't need me, someone like me can't be used. My family would probably be better off without me. I have no friends to speak of. No one to live for.
What a dreadful day it is. Been quite awhile since this kind of low point in life hit me. Sucks like all the rest of them though.
So... I went out and caught Harry Potter alone. Haha... Just felt like sitting there in the theatre envying all the couples and families watching the show together. It is a good show though. The best in the series so far anyway.
And now, i'm sitting here, waiting for everyone to go to sleep before sneaking into the kitchen to boil water for my cup noodles. Everyone thought i had gone out with some girl or another for dinner since i told gramps not to cook. Pride again? Perhaps. Perhaps i just don't feel like answering questions. Just leave me alone...
I keep yearning for love. To be loved and love someone. Whenever i see couples hand in hand, smiling at each other, looking into each other's eyes, i feel so envious and wonder when we'll find each other.
Yet i don't deserve to find her. And she deserved someone better. Anyone but me. How can someone who can't even keep his heart mind and body pure for even a day talk about love? Yeah sure, if the mind's busy on other things a day might pass, a week and even a month. But one day a simple picture, or a scene in the movie, or even a chapter in a book would set the body aflame and the mind and the heart wanders. Yearns for things that aren't what love is all about. And you realise that all that talk about love is nonsense.
Apparently the year of solitude that i've imposed upon myself (or maybe it wasn't even my choice...) didn't help. And to think i had recently thought that i was ready. All nonsense! Not even close. And at this rate i wonder if i'll ever come close.
I'm so disappointed and angry at myself. So much so that just a moment ago i thought to myself: What use am i living in this world? God doesn't need me, someone like me can't be used. My family would probably be better off without me. I have no friends to speak of. No one to live for.
What a dreadful day it is. Been quite awhile since this kind of low point in life hit me. Sucks like all the rest of them though.
So... I went out and caught Harry Potter alone. Haha... Just felt like sitting there in the theatre envying all the couples and families watching the show together. It is a good show though. The best in the series so far anyway.
And now, i'm sitting here, waiting for everyone to go to sleep before sneaking into the kitchen to boil water for my cup noodles. Everyone thought i had gone out with some girl or another for dinner since i told gramps not to cook. Pride again? Perhaps. Perhaps i just don't feel like answering questions. Just leave me alone...
posted by Justus at 10:49 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks for the cyber hug ^^
You're right, perhaps it doesn't exist. But i'm not about to accept anything less than that anymore and end up hurting myself, that person and everyone around...
If we give up, we would be going in circles yet again ar... And i don't want that... not after the fight i've been putting up, against myself, against social norms and what not.
Anyway yea... i'm like a yoyo, ups and downs hahaha...
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