Grandpa's Gone...

19 Oct 09

Grandpa passed away at 1630hrs while I was in the middle of a meeting. Mum messaged me but I wasn't able to receive messages in mandarin. Wasn't till she called at 1700hrs that I got the news. Even then, I put off disrupting the meeting till almost half an hour later. If I weren't the secretariat for the event that we're meeting about, I would have sounded off immediately. Still. Filial piety vs responsibility?

Dad came to fetch me and we reached the hospital at 1845hrs. Grandpa's body had already been moved away. Too late.

***

When I visited him the day before, it was one of those rare moments when he actually seemed to recognise me. Shook my hand and we did the wrestling grip as we always did in the past. Dad said grandpa kept making the "kong ka kiao" sign with his fingers. I guess he knew, and that was his final moment of clarity...

***

For years I had been the only grandson amongst a bevy of female cousins. Naturally I was his pride and joy. I remember my aunts giving me the nickname "machinegun", cos I talked non-stop, my words struggling to keep up with my thoughts. First Aunt liked to call me "Xiao Feng Fan". Grandma would just call me "Ah Fan". For him, I was always "wa eh soon" - my grandson.

I don't remember too much of him in my childhood. My impression is that he was a quiet man, content to sit there with his pipe watching. Dad takes after him in that quiet aspect, not the pipe lol.

My earliest memory of him is probably of when I was in Pri school. Mum doesn't recall it or maybe she didn't know of it, but he used to give him those awesome liquid ink Uniball pens, although they did smudge through my exercise books hah. I would bug him when I ran out and he would reach into the box and give me one. Oh and he gave me boxes of those China-brand pencils as well. I remember the smell of the wood hmm... And I remember him telling me to "study hard!" as he handed me the pencils and pens.

He became more withdrawn after his retirement. Probably cos he isn't the breadwinner anymore, and there were many things he couldn't provide for anymore. I kind of understood without understanding if you get my drift. Gradually, I saw less of him smiling, and more of him quarreling. And then he had a stroke. That took what was left out of him. He couldn't walk unassisted anymore, had difficulty speaking and his health started failing.

Grandma was saying just this morning that he became bad-tempered in part because of his disabilities, and also because of Alzheimer's onset. She understood that he didn't mean to be rowdy or be physically abusive. We all knew. But I know I didn't try to still show him the love, care and concern that he deserves. I saw him as his was now and forgot about how he was in the past. Perhaps everyone did. But as we looked at him lying there in the coffin, I felt emotions rush forth. Everyone remembered him as he was, the heroic father who had ventured to Singapore by himself at a tender age and settled down in this foreign land, the selfless father who had provided for his 2 daughters and 4 sons everything that they needed, the kindly grandpa who always looked on with his heart in his eyes...

Grandpa, lets meet again in the afterlife ya? This time I will come hold your hand and go on a walk with you...

As I embark towards middle age O.o

It really is easy getting caught up and lost in the swirl of colors and movement. Humans hardly ever stop and just enjoy the moment do they?

I think the problem with growing up or yes older.. is that one by one our dreams become impossible and suddenly we just give up trying.

On the other hand with all the chasing of dreams we forget to stop and look around. Hmm like the show Huo Yuan Jia (霍元甲). To stop and just feel the breeze. Won't it be horrible to look up one day and see an old man/woman in the mirror?

So two scenarios. Those who give up on their dreams and those who don't. Both don't seem right.

I think i'm at that impasse right now.. not so young I can carelessly chase dreams nor too old to follow a dream.

Now the other problem is.. what are my dreams? Now that I've experienced the world and can no longer claim to be an innocent. Hmm..

I read a literary piece once. We aren't living.. we are dying day by day.. pessimistic eh?

New project

Yo!

Wow, been a long time since I blogged. Anyway, this is just to inform whoever still reads this that:

1. No, this blog isn't quite dead YET.

2. Yes, I will TRY to spend more time on this.

3. I've started a new blog at . Was inspired by Alan... cos he very quickly forgot whatever I told him about photography a week back. So I figured that I should probably write everything down~ And it will be a journal of my own journey in the world of photography~ Do visit the blog once it is officially up! ^ ^

So ya, I'm still alive :)

Wall-E Review

Rating: 4/5!

Pixar never fails to deliver and delivery it does this time with Wall-E. There's hardly any dialogue in the movie yet it is able to relay an amazing amount of emotions from a very "human" Wall-E. There're funny moments and touching moments. Recommended to watch it with someone you like :p

If you can only catch one movie this weekend, make it Wall-E! ^ ^

Star Wars: The Clone Wars Review

Rating: 2/5

Its not THAT bad actually if you were watching this on TV on Cartoon Network. But it definitely did not live up to all that hype as a movie.

Visuals aren't much different from what you can find on most animated series these days. The cinematics are pretty good of course coming from Lucas, but thats about it really. Nothing to wow about here.

Voice acting was pretty bland and the boring dialogue didn't really help inject life into the characters.

The story was straightforward with no hidden surprises, the usual good guys vs bad guys setup. Audiences were thrown into the middle of the story trying to make sense of how it all fit into the new Trilogy. Perhaps a marketing strategy to make you go back and buy the trilogy >..< I felt that some background story would have helped run everyone in. A more satisfying ending to the conclusion of the Clone Wars would also have been in order (imagine all the silly droids being blasted into oblivion). The way the story ended left me wondering if this was really the key to the end of the clone wars (a stinky larvae???). Kinda anti-climax.

No spoilers so far I hope. Anyway, will be catching Wall-E next, it can't be worse!

Sale of Organs Debate

Read Mypaper on 1 July and for some reason I was pretty riled up by the arguments presented advocating the legalisation of the sale of organs...



So I wrote in my views, despite being half asleep at that time :p



Didn't realy like the title that the paper created for my views though... "Criminals" sounds so... childish? And I bet all the wealthy people out there would resent being lumped together with criminals too >..< Anyway, some other dude wrote in as well subsequently, with a whole bunch of bombastic words in his article (I'd go with easy to understand simple words anyday). Still, his suggestions didn't answer the primary reason why I feel the whole notion's an exploitation of the poor - The wealthy will never be the ones selling their organs!



There was an article recently (on the Straits Times I think... no free electronic copy on the internet so can't post here) by some really bright dude in NUS, citing examples from Iran (where trading of organs is legal). I think he put across my points in a much better way :p

In the end, I'm against unfair systems that do not uphold equality. No one has the right to (potentially) take another man's life so as to save his own. Not if you gave him more money than he could have made in a life time.

(P.S. For some reason the formatting's all off on my office computer >..<)

Feeling old...

Took some shots of kids playing at the fountain @ Bugis earlier while waiting for wife to knock off... They're so innocent and pure!

Funny how I was thinking the same thing in church in the morning, looking at all the teens who I've sort of watched grow up. Can't help but wonder how many of them will be together with us in church still in our old age... Can't help but worry for those going through what I've gone through before... and I know too well how dangerous this period is! Especially those who've decided that the black hair that God has given them isn't good enough, and they can't WAIT till they're older to start spoiling their hair >..<

Which brings me to the crux of it all, WAITING. Telling a teenager to WAIT is like saying NO to him/her. And it is exactly because of this unwillingness to wait, this impatience, that many wrongdoings are committed, many regrets come about later in life.

Funny how I recall my elders giving me advice, telling me their regrets, and now I'm trying to do the same to my juniors. Lol. How can I do it better? How can I help them such that they will be alert, and avoid the pitfalls that I've fallen into once and again? What more can I do that others could have done to help me? These are the questions that plague me yet have no answers to. I knew what not to do, yet I CHOSE to disobey. It is a personal choice that no one can really influence. When that moment comes, its between you, satan and God.

I wonder how I stuck to my convictions NEVER to smoke, NEVER to gamble yet failed in those that mattered more to those who love me and I love...? Perhaps when I understand, I can better share and guide those I love...