Relationships...yes BGR

Man i'm SO free in camp today lol. *Looks around making sure no one around to see this*

Boo... Been a crazy month with tons of work and other what nots pinning me down. Finally get a breather NOW, yes only now, just finished giving lessons and tying down some administrative stuff for the Open House coming up in my camp.

Right, the topic, Relationships... BGR.

I look around me, i hear about the on-goings in church, among the youths. What is everyone's understanding of BGR? What does it mean to be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend? What do 2 people who get together to become boyfriend and girlfriend actually want to achieve at the end of it all?

Does anyone who gets into a relationship actually give some thought into this?

Is it just because of physical attraction? Yes i hear a collective voice sounding out "No!" Its more than just her large luminous expressive eyes, his engaging smile, her bell like laughter, his confident walk, the way she snuggles up to me, the way he puts his arm protectively around me. I'm sure.

Is it because of personality/character then? I see some heads nodding. Yes, we have the same interests, we have the same beliefs, we both take things easy, we both want to be successful, we enjoy each other's company, his positive outlook brings hope to me, her gentle nature draws me to protect her...

In actual fact, most of us can't do without one or the other. Someone with the looks but none of the character? Someone with the personality but none of the looks? Hmmm... We rather settle for something in between if we can't get the perfect one with all of the personality and the looks. Perhaps a more common looking one but with the character. Or perhaps the one with looks and some of the character (if i ignore the undesirable traits).

I believe, everyone has some idea of the perfect partner. Our dream partner. Who coincidentally also sees in us his/her perfect partner. Perfect isn't it?

How many of us realise our dream?

BUT

Would you lead a perfect fairy tale life if you do realise the dream?

Would you not have a perfect fairy tale life if you don't?

We have the same answers. Which brings us to the question so what is that X-Factor to a fairy tale relationship? To walk down the beach one day when we're both grey and wrinkled, hand in hand...

At this point of time, given my age and limited experience, i want to believe that this X-Factor is our understanding towards relationships itself. It determines the amount of effort we are willing to put into the relationship, the level of commitment we are ready to give, the amount of time we spend each day thinking of our loved one, our willingness to go whatever lengths to bring a smile to him/her...

For the teens, are you really ready to think about marriage? If not, is this really the right time to have a BGR? Imagine inviting your friends to your wedding one day then realising you had kissed or made out with most of the friends (of the opposite sex) present in the past before you met your spouse... Dreadful.

Is a BGR to us lifelong (or is divorce an option?)
Where does it stand in my life? (Work first? Self first?)
What about him/her attracts me? Are these traits that would withstand the passing of time?

I believe, and want ot believe, that if two people with the same understanding come together, given the right mix of physical and non-physical attraction, their love would endure forever.

Problems at work, trying to make ends meet everyday won't stop the husband from thinking of his wife at the end of the day and stopping by the flower shop to buy just ONE stalk of her favourite flower.

Frustration from disciplining the kids and taking care of them won't stop the wife from welcoming her husband at the door when he returns and planting a kiss on his lips saying I missed you!

You do not have to MAKE it seem like the relationship works. Cos it really does. You do not cry yourself to sleep and hope for a better tomorrow. You do not dread going home to a partner who doesn't understand the problems you're facing now.

Can you be sure that the person holding your hand today, who's so understanding now will also be, 20 yrs down the road? Can you really know when u're both just schooling? Probably not, although you might hit the right one by pure chance, but then how many of us actually win at jackpot? Will you know when both are working adults then? Well... only if you are not blinded by "love".

It takes time for two people together to realise if they are meant for each other. And it is only possible if both are able to keep the relationship simple. I'm sure you know what i mean by simple... Anyway in case you don't, sex induces a false sense of being loved. The more you feel unsure of the relationship, the more you try to maintain the fiction of love through sex. And ya... if he or she's the first one... you would tend to make yourself believe he or she IS the one even though gradually as time goes by you realise he/she's probably not the one after all.

In today's world, the simplest way for girls to find out if the guy really does love you is to see if he can wait till the wedding night to you know what. They say "You know i love you... if you love me too, please give it to me now." You should be saying "If you really love me, as i do, then please let us wait till we're married." But of course there's a problem if the girl wants it too hahaha...

I once read that a courtship that ends with a break-up is still successful, because you found out that you are not meant for each other before marriage. Many people try to force themselves to make it work. Why? Can you maintain it for the rest of your life?

You know, i feel that i'm drifting from the main topic somehow, and the tone has kinda turned lecturer type lol... Man i've always had this problem. Bleah...

Anyway... from my own experience ya, i realise that it takes patience to find true love. It really takes time to know a person. No you do not have to cohabit to find out if you guys can live together. Through pure, simple dates, with time, you would know, in your heart.

To live happily ever after. A dream? Perhaps. But i sure hope not! ^^

(PS. As a Christian, my true X-factor (besides all the rest of the jazz) would be whether my other half loves God as i do. I strongly believe, that if we both love God with all our hearts and help each other grow in Christ, our love for each other would similarly grow and blossom!)

Cup+String (No not bikini!!! >.<)

Rumour's out that there's going to be a major crackdown on all Camera Phones in SAF camps. Doh... Seems that the Chief Defence Force (CDF) had decreed that Camera Phones are strictly prohibited in all SAF camps, and all previously issued Letter of Authority (LOA)are henceforth void.

I wonder if my incident sparked off this chain of tiny sparks that erupted into one vicious volcano hmm... Oops if thats the case. But its really dumb. Seriously. When all the Telcos are currently pushing for 3G phones, when every phone maker's coming up with 2 mega-pixel camera phones and beyond...

To think we just had the 3G Army convention just recently, all the talk about the army moving forward. Yet the SAF firmly plants its foot down when the whole world moves forward, at least phone technology wise. Seems like we really gotta resort to the cup and string way of communicating soon once all new phones are camera enabled.

If only the people at the top can sit back and think out of the box instead of jumping on the mention of "CAMERA". Having a camera phone can be really useful if used in the right way. Isn't there the saying that "A picture speaks a thousand words?" Imagine sending a MMS to your superior of a completed construction. Or taking a snapshot of a hazard spotted and sending it to the relevant authorities. There are a thousand good ways if one chooses to look. Cons? Someone taking a picture of something confidential, which by the way shouldn't be out there in the open where anyone can take a picture of it anyway. Oh ya and maybe a sneakily taken picture of superiors slacking off and sleeping during work? (Reminded of the student taking vid of teacher abusing them case).

So like... lighten up and look at things in the right perspective! Singapore Pte Ltd is a joke as it is already. Have more confidence and trust in our own soldiers man!

Help~

Its a familiar state of mind that i'm going through, yet to date i have not found a way to cope with it positively.

Everything in my life is crashing down all around me. Nothing seems to be going right. I just feel like running... running and not stopping.

I want to hide... where no one can find me...

Don't ask me why i'm feeling the way i am... i have no idea what triggers me off. Perhaps it is God's way of reminding me not to get too comfortable in the life i am in. Not to forget the LIFE He had planned for me.

Who can understand what i am going through? Who can understand me?

Part of my frustration stems from BGR after-effects. I can be the best boyfriend in the world under normal circumstances. But when i'm the way i am now, is there a girl who would see the real me? This is when i, the all-powerful Justus become a helpless little boy. Yet of all the girls i've been with, none of them don't seem to understand me enough. Often this is when they misunderstand me to be neglecting them. I'm not neglecting you... i'm just trying to escape from this world... If only you could understand, be understanding, and blanket me with love... it might make everything abit more bearable.

I feel terrible... alone... lost... Argh...

Ugly Singaporean

Just reminded of a incident i witnessed some time back.

It was raining and i was queuing up at the taxi stand for a cab. The queue was really long and in order to keep out of the rain, there was a break in the queue where the rain was getting through (2nd portion sheltered by the MRT tracks overhead away back). A few people unknowingly went and cut into the queue but were all politely told to go to the end of the queue by the last person of that 1st portion of the queue.

However there came this old man who went up to that portion, had a chit-chat with that last person, and carried on standing there under the shelter at the taxi stand. Now i suppose most people, myself included were thinking that the old man was really thick skin to continue cutting the queue, but everyone obviously chose not to take any action. But a middle aged man in front of me did. He went up to the old man, all flustered and obviously pissed, telling him "Hey, people here are queuing up, how can you just cut the queue like that?" The old man replied offhandishly, "I'm not joining the queue, i'm just taking shelter here till my ride arrives, and i've already told the last person here. You UGLY SINGAPOREAN, jump to conclusion. Can't you be more polite and ask : Excuse me, are you cutting the queue? Instead of pointing fingers?"

I guess at that point all of us who suspected him earlier were feeling kinda guilty. The man who went forth just kept quiet and went back to his spot. But when he moved forward in the queue, reaching the old man, the old man continued berating him and calling him names, in which UGLY SINGAPOREAN featured predominantly. The middle aged man just kept saying "Shut up." and completely ignored the old man otherwise till the old man finally got on a car and sped off.

Now, if that old man was a Singaporean as well, who is the uglier of the two?

I have no definite answer. However, i must applaud the middle aged man for standing up for what he feels is his right. i mean i certainly didn't do what he did... But of course, he was kinda hostile in his approach. The old man was... irritating tho. I mean fine, so u're not cutting the queue, but didja have to be so obnoxious? Kept up his insults just because he was in the right. Doh...

Either way... yea... Ugly Singapreans? Or just plain Ugly People?

I am so F***ing Pissed!

Just went down to MINDEF to collect some posters for a project i'm doing, and guess what? My PDA phone got confiscated! Ok Details.

As a rule, SAF does not allow camera phones into camps, even in this day and age where ALL new phones come with cameras. Doh... obviously SAF has got CONFIDENTIAL or SECRET documents lying about that any Tom, Dick or Harry can have access to and take pics.

My camp's a bit different as we're handling reservists day in day out, no way we can stop them from bringing in such phones. Thus, being the flexible, friendly camp that we are, we only require all phones to be registered.

Now MINDEF has this tiny A4 slip of paper at the Pass Office saying to "Surrender camera phones etc. at the MINDEF Building Point of Entry". I for one did not see this stupid paper till i was leaving the place.

Nevermind, i went to the MINDEF building, was stopped by a RP asking where i was going, then directed to a metal detector door frame thing. So i emptied everything i had on me onto the tray, INCLUDING my phone and went through the detector.

THEN, this guy on duty at the detector asked to see my phone, which i passed to him. He proceeded to tell me that the phone is not allowed in the premises. Yea i expected that, was just hoping he wouldn't see and avoid all the hassle. So bobian, i say "Ok, so you safekeep here? i get back when i leave?" He was like "No, we got to confiscate it, send to MSD for checking." I was like WTF! I haven't even entered the building yet, what's there to check? I wasn't even like sneaking the phone in hidden in my underwear or anything!

So fine, referred me to the Warrant Officer on duty. Told me there are signs everywhere telling me these items are prohibited. THEN, i see the dumb sign pasted at the glass counter, higher than my 1.74m height. What the hell... If you want someone to see something, you paste it at normal eye level or below, not in the sky! And it didn't even say "Surrender those items here" or anything. I always thought the point of checking would be at the detector who should politely let me know its not allowed and safekeep the item till i'm leaving, not bloody confiscate my phone!

Ask how i get my phone back. Tell me oh, maybe one week later MSD done checking then will call me come back HERE to collect. I was like "How you call me? My phone is confiscated!" They were like oh, you can have your sim card back. Duh duh duh!!! What is there to check when i'm bringing my phone IN and not OUT of the damn building?! How the hell am i to do my work? All my contacts and To-Do list's in my phone. If they think a miserable SIM card can store all my contacts think again man. Whose's phone can store all their contact these days?

Hell, the warrant officer had the cheek to tell me that this happens everyday, as if expecting me to sympathise with him. Dude, if this is happening EVERYDAY, then you bloody well review your damn system. It makes no sense and is damn bloody pissing ppl like me off. We surrender our phone upon being asked, and have our phone confiscated?!

Argh!!! I am so fed up with idiots who blindly follow regulations set by some dumbass who's probably long dead by now. Trust Singapore to go about things the wrong way round. Don't want people to anyhow spit chewing gum, we ban chewing gum instead of educating the public and providing more bins for disposal of gum. Scared security breach, ban camera phones instead of making sure only the right people have access to the sensitive stuff. Ya better blindfold all visitors next time and make them wear ear plugs. Doh!

I'm so damn pissed... and ya, don't bother calling me, i'm unreachable... GRrrrrr!!!

Sorry

I guess when she reads this she'll know this is meant for her. But please ar, don't give any indication you read it, just continue with life as it is.

Prob a better idea to leave things as it is, but i want to scream out the guilt i've been carrying around all these years.

Whenever i think back, i remember the day she came and told me she's finally started telling people i'm her boyfriend. Then i remember how i left her crying in her house... Its a knife twisting inside my heart always.

Yea i tell myself it was the right thing to do. And all these years thats been what i've been telling myself. But because it seemed like the right thing to do, should i have done it? Being self righteous and all? And i ask myself, if the third party had not appeared, stood by myside and encouraged me to take that step, would i have? I'm not saying she goaded me, that its her fault. It is and always will be my fault.

Its not until a few days back that i think i understood just how much you loved me. But obviously i didn't love you enough.

I was sharing with my friend about love (cause he was complaining about not having a single gf before). And as i was telling him about the kind of girl that we should be looking for, i suddenly looked faraway and told him "I had a girlfriend like that once before, everything was beautiful in my life then, but i chose to walk away..." He was puzzled and like WTF? I was just sitting there at a lost.

No this isn't a post to say how much i love you. Cos i don't. I just wanna say i'm sorry, no matter what reason i gave before, nothing is enough to justify the hurt i caused. I'm really really sorry... more sorry than i've ever been.

All i can do is to pray and hope for your life to be happy. And yea i'm here for you as the brother you never had, anytime. You might not know it, but whatever you ask, i will never refuse you. I can't. I owe you too much. I know you don't want me to feel this way (i think... haha...) but its ok, really.

And hey, thanks for being by my side even now. I remember telling my friend this too... "How many girls will forgive me after causing that kind of hurt? She really is one of a kind, the kind all of us dream for." Happy? Normal day "suan" you alot, now praise abit won't die lar hor? Lol...

Thanks, and I'M SORRY.

Thailand Trip 2005

Ok got some time now so shall update on my Thailand trip abt 2 months back lol... Been too lazy (or busy) to update in xanga so yeah... its been 2 months so there are SOME details i can't remember too well...

Went Bangkok with Cassie no she's not my girlfriend... prob die young if she were lol. We're buddies ya, the CLEAN kind?! C'mon, we hardly have any physical contact when we go out even!

Anyway well, on HER suggestion we decided to go Bangkok (my FIRST ever trip abroad by myself!). She booked the tix, and guess what... somehow she booked the wrong slot, resulting in us flying to Bangkok on SUNDAY NIGHT. Duh...

I got us a SUITE in Baiyoke Sky, supposedly the tallest hotel in Thailand. Yes we stayed in the same room... same bed... C'mon lar, i pay and you want me to sleep on the couch? >.< But chill yea? No hanky panky, everyday was dead tired, bathe, plop down in bed, Zzz... ^^

Ok back to the trip.

Day 1

Arrived in Thailand, me blur cock, kenna TOK by cab... Some lady waiting at the Arrival Hall, ask us where we wanna go, say can get cab for us... 600 baht... we later realised could have hailed our own cab for like 1/3 the amount?

We were naturally wowed over by the suite, damn blood big, although we did mess it up over the days we stayed there. Cassie lar, bought a TON of things >.<

Since we reached there in the NIGHT, we couldn't really do much, went downstairs and tried their roadside stalls. Their noodle was YUMMY! Only like 40 Baht for a plate, which has a HUGE cut up sasauge and veggies included. Had some bread thingy with a HUGE cup of kaya for you to dip in... I tried soaking up the whole cup naturally lol... Interesting thing was they provided free drinking water and paper roll for you to clean up / wipe sweat!!! Roadside stall!!! Kaoz... most restaurants in Singapore won't even give you that without charging you extra for it!

Zzz

Day 2

Woke up early, zipped down err... up to their restaurant on the top floor where we were given free breakfast. The view was damn nice... but yea being the idiot that i am, first time go overseas alone, totally forgot to take pics haha... The food was OK i guess, but we got sick of it when we realised that its International Buffet EVERYDAY -.-"

Next we planned our attack for the duration of our stay there. Decided to hit the flea markets as we made our way towards the "Orchard Road" of Bangkok.

We started off at the shopping mall just beneath our hotel. I was totally taken in by this cool army camouflage top from some popular US brand (forgot the damn name haha...), but they had to run out of my size boo... Cassie said i was crazy, being in the army and all, yet still ga-ga over army shit lol... Come to think of it... yea...

Further down Cassie went totally Bikini crazy. I think i've bought enough bikinis for her over the years to open a shop... (We took a quite a few pics of her in bikini, but my laptop crashed last month and its all gone boo... but she has them in the CD i burnt for her... maybe if she lends it to me i'll put em up haha...)



I was abit potty then and bought this ultra cool spring loaded pocket knife with a torchlight built in lol... Yea i snuck it past security back into Singapore haha... Was considering the hand-cuffs... but nah... lol...

I was dying of thirst, hunger, and exhaustion so we settled for lunch at a weird roadside stall. You get sit at this table where there's this huge wok of (seemingly freshly plucked from the roadside) veggies in front of you. You pay and get a bowl of noodles, and you just grab whatever veggie you fancy, roll em up, chuck em into your soup noodle and bon appetit >.< I remember Cassie remarking that she doubts many Singaporeans would choose to eat this. Well, we're 2 crazy people anyway so ya... LOL. It wasn't half bad... managed to wash it all down with a packet of coke :)

The first clothing item i bought (finally!) were a matching pair of slippers for us for just 100 baht in a shopping mall. Thats like 2 bucks a pair lol... And that started Cassie on her mad spree... Everywhere we went she was like asking whats the "wholesale price" (meaning discounted price if u buy usually 4 pieces and above). Could see her unrestrained glee whenever they quote 100 baht for each blouse / top / skirt / pants she eyed. Doh... yea... cheap lar, but material... >.< She was like buying 4 of everything and quickly managed to accumulate a mass of shopping bags for ME to carry. All i bought were my SUPERMAN and BATMAN T-shirts hahaha... love em ^^



I had set my sights on some pretty nice Converse shoes but Cassie was skeptical about em being authentic even though they were being sold in the CONVERSE shop... Oh well >.<

We continued shopping in that stretch of neighbourhood shopping mall types till late evening where we finally decided to make our way down to the "Orchard" area. Oh! I remember commenting that afternoon we were clothes siao, but come evening we were suddenly accessories siao, cos we started snatching accessories off the roadside stalls and bargaining like mad. I bought a nice crystal thingy with a 3-D Tut-Tut cab within. Cassie bought some sea view thing and a pair of nice light thingys from that first road side uncle we passed by. Grrr... i gotta take more pics the next time -.-

Things were alot more expensive in the town area and after our mad 100 baht wholesale price spree, we weren't really enticed by the 400 baht stuff on sale. Cassie went praying at the buddha thingy right out in the middle of the shopping district while i was made to stand guard outside. Funny how she barred me from going in cos i'm a Christian. LOL... Well, standing there i noticed quite alot of middle aged caucasians with young, pretty thai girls going about. Hmmmm...

Day 3

Decided to go to this place recommended by Cassie's Auntie. Bad move. Everything's so darn expensive! We were kinda out of the mad-shopper mood by then, so just decided to see the sights. Oh yea it's called Khaosan... why do i remember? Cos of the pics below... Haha...





Check out the rides we spotted ^^





Well, having nothing to buy, Cassie decided to have her hair done with those fake colored hair tie thingys... (Can't remember the name lol).



And our lunch... fried roll which was really really good and some fried noodle thingy... Oooh this is making me SO hungry lol...



After that i managed to get us a ride on the Tut-tut vehicle thingys to Chinatown, which was boring as hell. We bought some thai porn VCDs (LOL), some Hello Kitty accessories, red pens my mum requested (duh!) and some really nice fried food before heading back. Some pics for that lil' trip.





The day didn't end here! We got back, changed (i wore my SUPERMAN polo-T, not featured here haha...) and headed down to this Patpoing place if i remember correctly. Argh, Cassie kept the maps we used for keepsake so i don't have any with me to refer to. Bleah.

Anyway its the RED Light district haha... From the moment we stepped in, we were hounded by guys trying to get us to go to their pub / disco that supposed feature "free tiger shows". Pussy eating Ping-pong, Pussy lighting cigarette, Pussy... WTH... Eventually we agreed to go with one guy to have a sneak preview. I almost puked. Shall not go into what we saw in there... but please... it will NEVER be my cup of tea >.<

Not one to give up, we went into one pub that had tons of "girls" dancing on the pole filled stage in the middle of the bar. Only when we sat down did we realise they were all transvetites lol... Good thing actually haha... Anyway for some unknown reason they were attacking Cassie left right centre. One UNpretty one even pulled down "her" top and asked Cassie to touch her breast, nipple... Eeek. And of course, had to give tips for that unwanted act doh... Cassie kept looking at me and mouthing "Why me???" Haha... hilarious, i just continued sitting there with a fierce "Do Not Disturb" expression hahaha...

Anyway eventually i spotted a trans that looked almost like a real girl, real pretty too. For some reason "she" noticed me noticing real quick and zipped on over. Now this one focused "her" attention on me. Nah i didn't get to touch anything haha... but "she" kept hugging me from the side and stroking my hand. I did comment that "she" was very pretty and could tell "she" was real pleased with the praise lol. Next thing i knew "she" was saying "Where you stay? Can i go back with you?", then started hiding "her" face behind "her" hands, act shy... OMG!!! Doh... Cassie's eyes were like fishball by then lol... I was like "Uh... cannot, i staying with her" (pointing at Cassie). And the trans was like "Oh your wife?" Doh...

*Kinda regret not bring "her" back though... would have been interesting hahahaha...

Last day

Decided to head down to MBK and have a look before we flew back. Flagged a Tut-Tut down for just 50 baht, but gotta go with him visit 2 jewellery factories (for which he gets coupons for free petrol... so why not? Help the dude out lor...) It was boring as hell, prob cost us around 45 mins zipping to those factories.

Obviously someone was too heavy and caused a flat tire on our way >.<



Bet you won't see these air pumps in S'pore...



I'm pretty sure you won't see this in S'pore hahaha...



Oh and i was SO impressed by what they had lining the expressways... Bloody elephant plants... Man they really do love their elephants heh...



MBK was pretty nice... for some reason i didn't take any pics hmmm... Its a modern shopping centre like Taka for one, and two, you see cute uni girls in UNIFORM running about lol... I spotted a few clothing items i liked, but they were kinda expensive and well we had run out of funds so oh well... damn ^^;

Anyway that trip cost us our return flight... missed it by like 30 mins lol... WTH right? Things ALWAYS get exciting when i'm with Cassie haha... Luckily no extra charges for getting a later flight ^^

Fresh new beginning

Finally i can start blogging again! Got bored of xanga after my 1 yr subscription of premium services ended so yea took a break from blogging. Finally decided to switch to Blogspot! ^^