Quote of the moment

"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must first put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross daily, and follow me."

Luke 9:23 (NLT)

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

UTF-8 Encoding to View...

烛光晚餐。桌两边,坐了男人和女人。

  “我喜欢你。”女人一边摆弄着手里的酒杯,一边淡淡的说着。

  “我有老婆。”男人摸着自己的手上的戒指。

  “我不在乎,我只想知道,你的感觉。你,喜欢我嘛?”

  意料中的答案。男人抬起头,打量着对面的女人。

  24岁,年轻,有朝气,相当不错的年纪。

  白皙的皮肤,充满活力的身体,一双明亮的,会说话的眼睛。

  真是不错的女孩啊,可惜。

  “如果你也喜欢我,我不介意作你的情人。”女人终于等不下去,追加了一句。

  “我爱我妻子。”?男人坚定的回答。

  “你爱她?爱她什么?现在的她,应该已经年老色衰,见不得人了吧。

  否则,公司的晚宴,怎么从来不见你带她来……”

  女人还想继续,可接触到男人冷冷的目光后,打消了念头。

  静……

  “你喜欢我什么?”男人开口了。

  “成熟,稳重,动作举止很有男人味,懂得关心人,很多很多。反正,和我之前见过的人不同。你很特别。”

  “你知道三年前的我,什么样子?”男人点了颗烟。

  “不知道。我不在乎,即使你坐过牢。”

  “三年前,我就是你现在眼里的那些普通男人。”男人没理会女人,继续说。

  “普通大学毕业,工作不顺心,整天喝酒,发脾气。对女孩子爱理不理,靠**来发泄自己的欲求不满。还因为去夜总会找小姐,被警察抓过。”

  那怎么?”女人有了兴趣,想知道是什么,让男人转变的。“因为她?”

  "嗯。"

  “她那个人,好像总能很容易就能看到事情的内在。教我很多东西,让我别太计较得失;别太在乎眼前的事;让我尽量待人和善。那时的我在她面前,就像少不更事的孩子。也许那感觉,就和现在你对我的感觉差不多。那时真的很奇怪,倔脾气的我,只是听她的话。按照她说的,接受现实,知道自己没用,就努力工作。那年年底,工作上,稍微有了起色,我们结婚了。”

  男人弹了弹烟灰,继续说着。

  "那时,真是苦日子。两个人,一张床,家里的家具,也少的可怜。知道吗?结婚一年,我才给她买了第一颗钻戒,存了大半年的钱呢。当然,是背着她存的。若她知道了,是肯定不让的。”

  “那阵子,烟酒弄得身体不好。大冬天的,她每天晚上睡前还要给我熬汤喝。那味道,也只有她做得出。”

  男人沉醉于那回忆里,忘记了时间,只是不停的讲述着往事。

  而女人,也丝毫没有打扰的意思,就静静地听着。

  等男人注意到时间,已经晚上10点了。

  “啊,对不起,没注意时间,已经这么晚了。”男人歉意的笑了笑。

  “现在,你可以理解嘛?我不可能,也不会,作对不起她的事。”

  “啊,知道了。输给这样子的人,心服口服咯。”女人无奈地摇了摇头。“不过我到了她的年纪,会更棒的。”

  “嗯。那就可以找到更好的男人。不是吗?

  很晚了,家里的汤要冷了,我送你回去。”男人站起身,想送女人。

  “不了,我自己回去可以了。”女人摆了摆手。“回去吧,别让她等急了。”

  男人会心的笑了笑,转身要走。

  “她漂亮嘛?”

  “。。。。。。。。。。。。。。嗯,很美。”

  男人的身影消失在夜色中,留下女人,对着蜡烛。发呆。

  男人回到家,推开门,径直走到卧室,打开了台灯。

  沿着床边,坐了下来。

  “老婆,已经第四个了。干吗让我变成这么好,好多人喜欢我呀。搞不好,我会变心呀。干吗把我变成这么好,自己却先走了?我,我一个人,好孤单呀。”

  男人哽咽的说着,终于泣不成声。

  眼泪,一滴滴的从男人的脸颊流下,打在手心里的相框上。昏暗的灯光中,旧照片里,弥漫着的,是已逝女子,淡淡的温柔。

Poem from ages past

Was browsing through my old blog and found this "poem" i wrote like 2 years ago... Interesting though haha...

***

Do you remember the days gone by,
filled with laughter full of joy.
Never would you hear a sigh,
not a whimper not a cry.

Gone are the days so far it seems,
when one could fall and laugh over it.
Every morning a brand new day,
happy we are come what may.

From eight to five we are at work,
trying hard to keep on swimming,
Earning money to feed the family,
one wrong move and we'd be drowning.

How we wish to go back home,
to be loved and to be kissed.
But reality's not a dream,
oh where can we find real peace?

Despair not my dear old friend,
all is not lost there is still a way.
Lift your eyes to the skies,
for there you see our mighty king,

He has come as promised,
full of glory with love overwhelming.
Let Him in and you shall see,
and everything shall be how it should be.

Praise to the Lord our Almighty God.
For He has given us the holy light,
that we may see beyond all this strife,
and know our true purpose in this life.
“ In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? ”- Psalm 56:4

Isn't this verse so powerful? What can mortal man do to me? Amen to that!
Been feeling kinda stressed out recently cos of work. Well that that, you mere mortals!

Haha... had some weird dream in the morning that almost made me late AGAIN. I was this anti-social special agent/cop/killer? meeting up with some people i was supposed to be working with. Kinda had this feeling that they didn't really like me for what i am. Anyway some bad guy appeared out of nowhere and suddenly i just went into bullet time. You know, the matrix thing? Everything slows down to a crawl except me. I do a sideway overhead flip over one of my companion's BALD head (yeah somehow he was bald lol), rested my hand on his head while my body was still in the air and bang, bad dude down. Haha... I distinctly remember apologising to that bald dude about using his head to stabilise my shot. He had this stunned look on his head while rubbing his head. Haha... Dumb dream.

Been a long time since i felt invincible... I want to feel like i'm Superman once more...

Monday, May 29, 2006

Nameless Fire 3 feet high

Perhaps i'm just in a crappy mood. But saw something that made my blood boil.

Is it our fault that you've never experienced God all these while that you've been amongst us? Its like attending a Orchestra performance with your iPod blasting away in your eardrums and at the end of the performance complaining that it was boring.

If despite all that we've tried to tell you and show you, you refuse to just LET GO of your own issues for just one second and embrace God, then don't go complaining that God can't help you.

Seriously i wouldn't give a hoot whether you joined us for our activities cos your heart's never here with us. If it wasn't for the fact that God loves you and that He wants people like you and i to come before him... do you think i would care?

On a side note, does this mean that i'm being hypocritical? Hmmm... I think not? I'm being someone that i'm trying to be or want to be. I'm accepting unloveable people into my life hoping they'll one day turn loveable and do the same for others. I'm trying to follow my God's teachings. Being a hypocrite is doing something that i'm not, whether now or in the future. There's a big difference.

Back to my rant.

Argh... fire's dying. Hah... can't stay hot for long these days. Good thing i guess? YOU... just don't go round bad mouthing an organisation that chose to accept and love someone like you. Whatever you say or write, whether you mean it or not, is a very negative testimony to everyone who sees it. I'm sorry if you don't like some of the stuff we enjoy doing, like just spending time sitting together wasting time, or just sharing our recently begotten enlightenments about God and His teachings, or simply kneeling down and talking to our Father. Hey, i like slacking off playing computer games and what not too, but when you come right down to it, i'm pretty sure i'm not going to find what God has for me in games.

Finally, i'm going to try harder to let you see what i see. Perhaps i haven't been doing as much as i should have. So i am responsible for you in some way. Bahh... End up my own fault huh?

So much for playing with fire -..-

Getaway

Suddenly i'm overwhelmed by this desire to get away from the life i've been having for the past few months. Work, go home, surf, play games, sleep, repeat. The past week was worse... Simply work, go home, sleep... And as what i suspect to be a sub-conscious attempt to maintain some semblence of sanity in my life, i've been spending a ridiculous amount of money on gadgets and games.

I think i must own like at least 2 dozen games that i've yet to complete. A handfull of which i know have not even been played at all.

Pathetic. And i had innocently thought that having no girlfriends and no life would allow me to finally have some savings. Right. I think i'm in the same financial pit now as before, if not worse. -..-

Just found out that J's quitting her job today. A surge of envy came and left. I wish i could do the same. But i know i can't. Too many commitments and responsibilities. Plus that dumb "promotion" that just hit me last week legally means i'll be bonded for a year. I so want to have a break. Go backpacking like i've always wanted ever since i read a series of books written by a journalist about his backpacking adventures.

Europe, the Middle East... Just thinking about it sends a tingle down my spine. Could virtually feel all that history and culture materialising into this gigantic "substance" drowning me in it. So much to absorb and broaden my horizens through. To leap out of the well and see the world. I know how much good it would do to someone like me. Yet... when will that day ever come?

So, here i am contemplating my next purchase. Would it be a Macbook Pro or a Honda Civic Hybrid? :p

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Mehhh

Was about to turn in cos gotta wake up at 6am later to bring my guys for live firing of some 80kg worth of explosives -..-
Checked my unmoderated comments and saw this. Decided to post it here and perhaps answer it once and for all instead of replying to the post which no one might ever see... So here goes.

***
I think one needs to know his/her limit, for example, u are too pocessed over christianity. Devoting all ur life to god. If god is good, why then are u still single? has god been kind enough to grant u a wife now?
no rite? there is no god, stop deceiveing urself.We rely on our hard will and determination to succeed, not look upon god for strength.
You will deterioate if u continue to think that god is everything.why must u pray so hard in churched? pray and donate away money foolishly during each service? for god? for an "object" that is of non-exisitence?
repent and stop being so reliant on something artificial.
u reap what u sow, destiny lies in ur own hand and not in the hands of your so called "god"
***

I don't blame the person who wrote this. Sounds suspiciously like Ms Stalker back to haunt me... Haha... Anyway, yea, for someone who doesn't understand, i place no blame.

Its really funny how this type of comments on my blog is always linked to the fact that i'm currenly single. -..- I believe... that had i wanted so, i can be a married man right now, probably even a father. Very probably. If i had just simply threw away my dream of a truly happy family. I suppose its true that religion is the main cause of my bachelorhood right now. But its my choice, not an act of God turning all the women around me against me. Perhaps this argument will only be settled when one day, i finally settle down with this one girl who sees life as i do?

Do i really come across as someone who's that attached to God? Halleluiah if i do. Haha... I've always thought that i give people the impression of someone frivolous and self indulged. Heh.

I agree that we should always depend on our own two hands for success in worldly affairs. Afterall, thats the reason why God gave us hands isn't it? And it is true that your labour may bear fruit. The only problem is, i'm not seeking success of that sort. I'm chasing after an ideal. A belief that one can BE like Jesus. Just for a day, if not a lifetime. And this quest of mine is simply unattainable by my own two hands, no matter how strongwilled i am. So long as i'm depending on myself, i'm doomed to failure.

Now then, what is money? We need money to survive, to feed ourselves, to live. So then for what do we live? To earn money? Where's the logic in that? Money is simply the means to which we maintain our life, but we live for a purpose that has nothing to do with money, which is but a tool in the world. So long as i have enough money to keep myself alive, what use is there for the rest of it? I suppose self indulgence in garnering luxury items and worldly possessions has its kicks at times. But seriously none of them fill that bottomless pit within my heart.

I don't expect God to give me riches in this world that would fill that hole. It isn't what i want either. I believe that He wants to give me something far more precious. Something philosophers and great thinkers throughout the ages have sought but never found. The purpose to my life. The purpose to all life. The purpose to living. The purpose to existing. The purpose of spending these 70-odd years wandering about upon the earth. Surely it is something worthwhile. Definitely it can't be something that can't even outlast me. What is it that i'm expected to discover in living, that would justify my whole existence? That, my friend, is why i'm what you call a Christian. I follow, because He has shown the way. Not the answer of course, for i too believe that the answer is different for everyone, to a certain extent. He is the way and the truth.

No you won't be satisfied by this answer i give of course. Not because it doesn't make sense, but because you refuse to let it make sense. Rubbish you say, ravings of a man possessed. I read somewhere this phrase "Whatever floats your boat~" Heh... i say, "Whatever makes you truly happy... spilling forth from the very core of your being..."

I like last week's sermon. When you see a house in the middle of no where, you would automatically expect someone to have built it. No way would you think that the house simply came to be there by itself, perhaps blown together by the wind by accident in perfect alignment and complete with all the right materials. So then, why do you believe that this world simply existed, without a God to put it all together in perfect harmony?

Cheers and Goodnight~

Treasure Trove

For the uninformed, i had once again surrendered to my alter ego and bought a Gameboy Mico... of all things... Its really cute though, potential babe magnet? Haha... Anyway i bought it purely for the sake of having a Final Fantasy game on the go. And perhaps a couple of nice turn based strategy games to go along. Since PSP for some reason has yet to come out with games of the genre that i dig.

So there i was spending the past hour ferreting about the assorted trash piles littered around my room, cupboards, bins, boxes... for the few GBA cartridges that i had owned previously, which i swear to have seen only very recently.

Well, the cartridges managed to evade me without leaving a trace, but i did come upon treasures long forgotten. Letters dated as far back as 1997 from a penpal (i can't even REMEMBER ever having a penpal -..-), correspondences with my cousin who, now that i think of it, is also called Charlene..., tons of little cards, bookmarks, notes from Doreen when we were together..., Neoprints and cards taken together with various girls (gosh, Cassie looked so dorky back then! But it was the in-thing then wasn't it? Heh)... And various other little trinkets gathering dust, rust and what not.

So much for claiming to have a terrific memory. There's so much i couldn't remember until the memories were triggered by the items dug up. So much for claiming to be sentimental when there's so much that i didn't bother remembering in the more accessible recesses of my brain. And so much guilt... reading all the momentos Doreen left me. Sure things didn't end well, but there's proof there existed a time when she spent her time thinking of me, caring for me and perhaps living for me. Can't say i've done much of the same for her or anyone else for that matter. Argh... i didn't even know Ping wrote a letter AND a Christmas card to me! (Btw, Ping, if you ever read this, i seriously think u've got the nicest handwriting i've ever seen, EVER)

Kinda glad i NEVER throw any of the stuff i receive from people away. Its all stuffed somewhere... with the belief that one day i'll come back and go through them again... whether intentionally or not i have no idea. But i really do believe. Yes, even SOME birthday "card" made out of graph paper is being kept. I even managed to find like THREE of my previous wallets. And thats alot considering i've owned like around only 5 wallets since Secondary school?

Ok maybe my memory's good afterall, cos all the items bring back wave after wave of memories. Emotions. Thoughts. Perhaps its only my heart that's not what it should be. I guess i was right a couple of weeks back when i decided that i had been a rotten friend to all the people around me so far. Oh if u noticed i changed my profile in Friendster to reflect that then.

Sigh.

Let me learn how to be a friend. THEN shall i talk about being a BOYFRIEND. ^ ^"

Oh, i had already decided on the name Justus in JC?? Saw that in a letter from penpal from that period. Gosh... I always thought i had chosen that name to be used during NS -..-

Thursday, May 18, 2006

DVC... What else?

Just wanted to blog about it although i seriously have no idea how to go about it at all.

Been wanting to get the book since i read a few chapters of it at my cousin's house during CNY... Yes... that long ago. But never got round to it haha... So when W passed me the book and asked if i wanted to read it, i brought it home. Its a pretty short book, prob took me like half a day to finish the whole book? Of course i spread it out over a few days... really too busy at work this week.

The Book

When i was like 3/4 through the book, i was getting kinda worried about the impact that this book would bring about to the Christian world. No it wasn't about the apparent claim that Jesus had a romantic relationship with Mary Magdelene and had a child with her. Well i was a tad troubled by the book's insinuation that Jesus was merely a man VOTED to Godhood by some council.
But i was most worried about the validity of the allegation that the Roman Church had edited and made use of the popularity of the Bible to strenghten its power over the people via Christianity.

Now that i look back, it was a silly thing to worry about really. Even IF that were true, God's Words will not be hidden or twisted by the hands of man. Not by poor translation nor anything else in this world. But i suppose that faith in God would have been shaken if the foundation of our beliefs - The Bible was a farce. -..-

The Truth

I gotta thank W for passing me that leaflet when we went to catch MI:III on Tuesday night. It was really enlightening as it covered most of the points of debate in the book marvelously. It would probably explain in better terms than i could here, so go get that leaflet that Convenant is passing around i think. Or ask W for one ^ ^

A few salient points.

- The Gnostic Gospels (The set of gospels supposedly written by the OTHER disciples besides Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) have been proven by experts to be fake. Written by someone who USED their names to make it seem authentic. This is the source of information that the book drew on with regards to references to the relationship between Jesus and Mary Magdelene.

- There is no Priory of Scion. Not one that supposedly guarded a secret about the Church anyway.

- The only voting that was done with regards to Jesus was not about whether he was Divine, everyone already KNOWS that He's God. They were just trying to decide if He was created (ie. 2 Gods? One Father One Son?) or Co-Exist from the beginning (The Trinity that we have today.) It wasn't a close call. Scholars today agree that the vote was something like 60 to 2. Kinda like our own election don't u think? Haha...

Logically Thinking

Alot of people try to place themselves into Jesus' psyche and talk about how impossible it would be for somneone to maintain a lie when his life is threatened. I like to look at it from the viewpoint of His disciples. The ones who were with Him all the way and DEFINITELY knew if Jesus was really the Son of God or a liar. Even if we say Jesus was a crazy liar, if you were one of his disciples, would you continue this lie (for someone who has already died) and eventually give your own life for it? No freaking way!

DVC claims that Jesus had entrusted His Church to Mary Magdelene and that she was the foundation upon which His church would be built on and not Peter as the Gospels says. If that were the case, would someone as hot headed as Peter continue his life as he had after Jesus' death? He was eventually crucified just as Jesus had been. by the Roman authorities.

Final Words

Besides all the factual inaccuracies, it is a pretty good read, for a fiction paperback. I just wish that the author had not chosen to use Christianity as the backdrop of his book. Yea everyone loves a conspiracy and the human brain refuses to believe even in something that has managed to survive 2000 years and more.

Hey, if Jesus was a mere man. I challenge you, human being who is probably much more knowledgeable than someone from 2000 years ago, to repeat His feat. And let your legacy last as long. Who can claim to be God, attact followers and inspire billions to follow?

Thinking about it, i'm simply AWED by my God and what He has done. Had i only been alive to witness His glory and hear His words... WOW...

Monday, May 08, 2006

Finally its up!

For your viewing pleasure hahaha...

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Politics

Inspired by an argument with someone important to me...

Been reading works of Plato, which contain the dialogues and arguments that his teacher, Socrates had. I must say that i find myself agreeing with Socrates most if not all the time. Haha... we would have been very close friends i think. The way he looks at everything in macro-perspective while everyone else harps on the microscopic is exactly how i feel at times. There's simply no way of making them come round when they're so caught up in the nitty-gritties of life.

Right, politics. PAP or Opposition?

I do dislike the fact that PAP is kinda monopolising the govt. We all know the saying "Put someone too long in power and he will misuse the power", or something like that. And of course some of the tactics that PAP uses to win votes are little different from bribery attempts. Yet all else considered, i arrive at the conclusion that Singapore's better off with the PAP in power, at least for now.

Trying to list down my arguments and even attempt to convince any anti-PAP supporters reading this is futile, that i believe. I've no idea how to put across my thoughts either. Anyway, i'll just put down the 2 that comes to mind.

1) Singapore isn't ready for political instability, no matter how short. We're too fragile as we are. I remember how my History teacher used to remind us that countries like the US has got their history and culture to fall back on, but we've got nothing. Yet.

2) PAP hasn't done anything significantly "evil" that demands that i withdraw my support for it.

Weak arguments for some people i suppose? But they're sufficient for me. I'm not sure what drives the Opposition into BECOMING the Opposition, but for me, if i'm someone working towards the good of Singapore, i wouldn't want to risk damaging the stability that we have in anyway. Sure i worry about the dominant party. But i guess being as conceited as i am, i'd attempt to JOIN them and do what i can to make sure they continue doing whats good and keep away from what's not. Hmmm... the Casino decision comes to mind -.-

I'm pretty sure the people in PAP are already trained in not saying the wrong things or agitating our neighbours without wit. But i'm not so sure about the Opposition. One wrong word from a hothead having a seat in the govt. and all hell would break loose. No use saying he's from Opposition, not PAP then. Other countries only see our govt. as one body.

Yes, i'm being paranoid and not giving the Opposition any benefit of doubt. But like i said, i've no reason to, until the PAP has become so rotten that anything else is better, even the risk of wiping Singapore from the World Map...

I was having the same discussion with the cab driver the other day. And i told him that i didn't see any out-standing talents in the Opposition. He told me: "Ya la, all the good ones join PAP what.."

Perhaps its not that PAP managed to pull them over. But that they understood their role and responsibilities to the country? Whats wrong with a one party govt.? You don't waste as much time arguing amongst yourselves and can concentrate on making the country a better place. Less "politics"... (Haha... politics within the govt. duh) Good decisions can be made faster and implemented faster, benefiting the people faster. But of course if bad ones were made...

Anyway yeah... I'm not pro-PAP, but from the country's point of view, i really don't see the need for any drastic changes yet. Soon perhaps. But not yet.

No comments needed on this one ya.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Opticians take note

Please... next time you're doing an eye check for the customer, don't ask him to look DOWN when you're wearing a loose v-neck and both leaning forward... Unless of course his degree's like 1000 or something -.-

***

Anyway, that aside, my right eye's going blind or something... The power went up again... now almost 200 degrees stronger than my left eye while the left eye remained stable more or less. Mehh... Definitely can't wear specs now, its super lopsided as it is, getting worse now that one side's even MORE obviously thicker than the other. Duh. Optician says its still ok cos my master eye's the left. Eh... My foot its ok -.-

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Eliot

Check out this verse... Very cool ^ ^ Wish i could write like that someday...



O weariness of men who turn from God

To the grandeur of your mind and the glory of your action,

To arts and inventions and daring enterprises,

To the schemes of human greatness thoroughly discredited,

Binding the earth and the water to your service,

Exploiting the seas and developing the mountains,

Dividing the stars into common and preferred,

Engaged in devising the perfect refrigerator,

Engaged in working out a rational morality,

Engaged in printing as many books as possible,

Plotting of happiness and flinging empty bottles,

Turning from your vacancy to fevered enthusiasm

For nation or race or what you call humanity;

Though You forget the way to the Temple,

There is one who remembers the way to your door:

Life you may evade, but Death you shall not.

You shall not deny the stranger.

(Ibid., 520-521)

Testimony

After watching that HK Christian movie thing on Sunday, i realised the
importance of living my life as a testimony once again.

Although its just a movie, a perfect reflection of an imperfect world,
it still serves as a very strong reminder of how i've woefully
neglected this part of my faith at work.

Hmm... how do i change the impression i've already given people? Ok, i
know.. just CHANGE, keep at it, and people will eventually stop
relating me with my past. But its SO difficult to start! That 1st
step.. much like how Apostle Peter stepped out of the safety of his
boat onto the water to begin his short trek towards Christ.

Meh.. Give me the wisdom to change..!