痛

为什么生我的人不信我，
为什么和我最亲密的人都不知道我的心？

只要你们幸福，
只要你们快乐，
我什么都不求。

难道金钱，地位真的那么重要吗？
生命的成就是这样衡量的吗？
追求永恒是错的吗？
完美的爱毫无价值吗？

那眼所不见的，
手所摸不着的，
难道不真实吗？

我的心好痛。。。好痛。。。
眼泪干了。。。
受伤的心仍滴着血。。。

***

亲爱的天父，
我知道我有我的软弱，
我知道我有我的不足，
但你知道我真的在改。
不断的在改！

父阿，我错的话请你告诉我！
你知道我愿意听。
只要是对的，我一定咬紧牙根走下去！
但求你给我力量，因为我是软弱的。

主啊，原谅我今天的不敬。
我不是故意要和母亲争辩的。
我只想让她了解！我只想她给我一次机会！
你知道我的心。我好想为这家做点事。
你知道我的脾气。我不愿不被信。
我不愿被逼。我要自愿的做我要做的事！
不是因为我应该！而是因为我愿意！

教导我如何做个合你心意的儿子。
教导我如何荣神益人。
我的固执求你挪去。
我的骄傲求你拆下。
怜免我的罪，叫我懂得悔改。
洁净我的身心灵，
叫我能够荣耀你的名。

阿爸天父，好久没好好的祷告了。
对不起！
来个高科技的祷告，如何？^^
愿你使用我这没用的人。。。
我回来了！
陶造我！朔我！用我！
让我回到你要我走的路上，
因路上有你！
哈哈，就算真的那么衰要我孤孤单单的走下去也罢了。
想那么多干嘛对吗？
早就该来找你诉苦了。因为我知道你看到我的心。也懂得我的软弱。
好多了！

明天的路求你带领。做我该做的。
一切交在你手中，求你保守！

奉我主耶稣基督的名祈求，
阿们！

Empty Vs Full

In my weakened state i dragged myself out of bed and went down to Jurong Point to search for materials for that sketch we are putting up for the missionary trip...

Pretty miraculously i'd say, i managed to secure the LAST 2 packets of wires that i needed. And as i was walking home i had another revelation.

It was probably due to the fact that i could hardly gather any strength in my body, every limb feeling empty and devoid of energy. I suddenly felt that my energy came not from me but from God. That the stuff i've done today were done not by my own strengths but by His. And it hit me.

Everyday, we go about doing stuff that we do, so Full of ourselves that God had no Space to work. I was walking and thinking: I'm totally Empty today, and Reliant on God totally that somehow i feel that Nothing is impossible! It seemed strange at first, then not so strange on second thought. God is all-powerful, and if i relied on Him to accomplish every single task no matter how small, everything would be done perfectly wouldn't it? So much for impossible.

It felt good knowing that. Yet i know that once my own strength returned to me, i would probably start doing things by my own strengths again, relegating God to the benches, To be used when needed. Which is wrong of course. He wants to give me strength.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Why do we toil and struggle when He has offered to help? Throw away our yoke and take up His!

And its not just talking about physical strength, but mental, spiritual, everything.

When i am nothing, i have everything...

Temple or Haunted House?

Matthew 12: 43-45

When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, "i will return to the house i left." When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of the man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.

Another famous verse. Sometimes i wonder if i'm like that... failing to invite Jesus into my heart after i've asked for a sin to be removed from my life... End up repeating the sin eventually and going even further. Haiz... Learn!!!

Dream Girl

As i sit here awaiting Death's arrival, somehow my mediocre brain is only filled with images of the girls i've dated. Girls i've loved. Girls that i've hurt. Girls that hurt me. And suddenly i remember that list i made so many years ago. My dream girl...

I was 14 and Pastor Chua somehow mentioned to me that its about time i started praying for my future life partner. I was like, WTH? Isn't it abit early? Basketball was everything, i knew nothing about girls then. I never did pray about it. Perhaps i should have hmmm... But i did start making a list of attributes that she should have and i should look out for... That list had grown, shrunk, and gone through various changes as i grew and matured. And here's the list as of 25 Nov 05.

1. She must be Christian. And not just the average Church goer. A true Christian who asks questions, doesn't just blindly believe and not know anything. Someone who really knows our God...

2. Must not be older than me... (I already look younger than my age... Any girl older than me would be mistaken for my aunt >.<)

3. Must not be taller than me

4. Must not be a 嫁鸡随鸡 type of girl who says yes to everything the hubby says. Must come with a personality and brains!

5. Preferably someone who laughs out loud when she feels like it without worrying about the public. Someone like me la... No need wear mask... Be who we are...

6. Should be funny, cute, with a tinge of naughtiness but kind hearted.

7. Independent, yet reliant on me in ways that make me feel that i'm needed.

8. I've tried to see past looks, but... i guess she still has to look nice, attractive to me at least. Sometimes all it takes is a pair of nice big eyes, or a really nice smile...

9. 魔鬼般的身材! I remember DREAMING about a girl with 34C-24-35 stats hahaha... But after realising all the girls i dated were 'A' grade, i gave up hahaha...

10. Keep the list to 10 i guess. Last but not least, she has to love me the way i love her. That is with everything... Of course God comes first, but its because God comes first that i know how i should love her the way she deserves to be loved. Cheam? Not if you understand true love...

Of course there are other minor points, such as having the same interests as me. But my interests are so wide its seldom a real problem. These 10 are kinda the 10 Criterias i guess? And failing any of them would be an auto failure... Used to think its ok, no way i can find anyone who satisfies all 10. But now i think i'll hold out. Its all or nothing. Heh... Gotta harden my heart (not elsewhere -.-) For her good and mine.

Somewhere out there...

Flee Fly Flu

I'm dying from the flu virus. Damnit. My most hated common ailment and i get hit by it the most. All this sniffing and rubbing my nose sore... Plus the tearing and lethargicness... Arghhhhhhhh...

Cassie's mum stuffed me with flu tablets, ginger tea... Cassie stuffed me with fried food... Think i'm gonna DIE...

Somebody KISS me before i die...

Found my Princess but...

I'm just a knight, doomed to withdraw into the background when the Prince comes to take her away... Heh...

Eh... Just rambling away...

Inline Skating Madness!

Just back from an hour of skating outside my house haha...

Here's the breakdown.

First 15mins - Stand outside door getting used to the wheels and trying to make em part of my own body. Sorting out balance issue that was causing me some strain at the hips.

Next 30mins - Went up and down corridor, finding ways to brake. Tried using brake, find it quite useless. Went back to spinning to a stop like i used to... Can only spin in one direction but i can do it without looking like a bird who just got his feathers burnt liao... Look quite nice at times even haha... THEN disastor struck as i tried it at a high speed... spun out of control and fell on my butt, HARD. Thank God for the weight i put on recently haha... Alot of cushion ^^ Spent some time making turns as well...

Last 15mins - Decided to pluck up my courage and go downstairs... Since it was midnight already and probably no one around to see me flail my arms about when i lose control :D Bladed down to the vending machine for a drink, bladed back, no mishaps :) Sis FINALLY came back, gave her a fright almost running her down lol... Went back home and almost rolled over Xiaobai -.-

***

Ok i probably need another 2 sessions to really get the hang of it before i attempt going out with any girl for a blading session hehe... I can JUST imagine losing my balance, flail my arms about and knock the girl to the ground >.<

No no... Must practise more!

Giddy giddy...

Sick old man...

Argh... been feeling giddy for the past few days. Everytime i turn my head too fast my entire vision just swims... feels like i'm falling backwards if i look up too quickly too. Bahh... Haven't been feeling this giddy for a long time. Haiz... Good time ar? Perhaps God decided i'm not worth keeping alive afterall? Haha...

Its just my imagination, but i've always kinda believed that there's something very wrong in my head, ever since the first onset of this giddiness half a decade ago. Wow saying half a decade makes me seem so old. Ok, about 5 years ago haha...

I've imagined myself dying from some brain tumour or some blood vessel in my brain bursting or something like that. Haha... Probably why i've always felt that i'll never live long enough to know what it would be like to be old. Be lucky to hit 40 ^^ Which also explains (partially) why nothing in this world really interests me.

We're all dying. But not everyone recognises it. Many people live in this fantasy that they will live forever. That the end is still far off. And thats why they can afford to throw days, months, years away for silly things that really don't matter. And usually at the expense of things that really matter.

The 败家子(Useless son?)

I want to be happy. And i'm always trying to be happy. But for some reason i'm not. Perhaps its because i can only really be happy when the people i care for are happy... You know, its not that i don't want to or can't be what my parents (my mum in particular) wants me to be. I can give them half my pay every month. And i do have plans to do that soon... But i HATE to have it seem like i was forced to do it. If only they would stop nagging me about it (from the 1st day i drew my FIRST pay...) perhaps i would just give it to them. I hate that feeling that they do not trust me. There was a time, a DECADE ago when my parents were so proud of me they would confidently tell everyone they knew that i would definitely take care of them when they're old. No worries about me contributing to the family. But not anymore. Not since i flunked. Sure, they never really scolded me or anything when i dropped out, but they've been sending me this negative feeling ever since. And thats not what i need at all. And then MONEY. Whats with their obsession with money?? Its exactly as i said earlier. The more they want it, the more i refuse to give them even a cent. I want to be able to get my pay, go home and tell my mum "Mum, here's 500 bucks for the family", and my sis "Nah, here's 50 bucks for the internet". But no... the moment i step into the house i'm hounded for money. Worse than loansharks. From the very first day. So no, i'd rather spend it all on girls who don't deserve my attention. Spend it on more games that just waste my life away. Spend it on food and get even fatter. Bahhhhhh...

Everyone knows the story about the man teaching a poor dude how to fish so that he could feed himself henceforth, rather than giving him a fish that he would finish in one meal. I have this belief that giving my family what they DEMAND is just like giving them that fish. Perhaps its because of my Christian beliefs? There is something i want them to see, that till now they haven't. Anyway its not as if they'll die of hunger without my monetary support. YET. Haha... Of couse its also wrong of me to splurge. Which is why i've also decided to put aside that amount of money i meant to give them, and maybe one day they'll get it? Heh... or when i die, whichever comes first laaaa...

***

Truth is, i don't really want to die. At least not yet. I want to have my own family someday... Try to have it the way i've always dreamt of. Together with my parents. Surprised? Despite everything, i want my parents to be part of the new family i would have eventually. I want family dinners. I want family outings. Everything that we never had time for. Heck, i even want family debates over a passage in the Bible. To pray together... I want my kids to be asking me "Papa, what is God like? Where is God? Do you think God likes me?..." I want to sneak up behind my wife with my kids as she's busy cooking and surprise her so that she knows we haven't forgotten her, that she hasn't been relegated to becoming the housemaid. I want to take a day off and cook a meal for everyone...

Dreams? i have many. Yet how many have come true? How many have i burst?

It ain't that bad being single...

I've recently come to the conclusion that i don't deserve having anyone in my life.

I keep yearning for love. To be loved and love someone. Whenever i see couples hand in hand, smiling at each other, looking into each other's eyes, i feel so envious and wonder when we'll find each other.

Yet i don't deserve to find her. And she deserved someone better. Anyone but me. How can someone who can't even keep his heart mind and body pure for even a day talk about love? Yeah sure, if the mind's busy on other things a day might pass, a week and even a month. But one day a simple picture, or a scene in the movie, or even a chapter in a book would set the body aflame and the mind and the heart wanders. Yearns for things that aren't what love is all about. And you realise that all that talk about love is nonsense.

Apparently the year of solitude that i've imposed upon myself (or maybe it wasn't even my choice...) didn't help. And to think i had recently thought that i was ready. All nonsense! Not even close. And at this rate i wonder if i'll ever come close.

I'm so disappointed and angry at myself. So much so that just a moment ago i thought to myself: What use am i living in this world? God doesn't need me, someone like me can't be used. My family would probably be better off without me. I have no friends to speak of. No one to live for.

What a dreadful day it is. Been quite awhile since this kind of low point in life hit me. Sucks like all the rest of them though.

So... I went out and caught Harry Potter alone. Haha... Just felt like sitting there in the theatre envying all the couples and families watching the show together. It is a good show though. The best in the series so far anyway.

And now, i'm sitting here, waiting for everyone to go to sleep before sneaking into the kitchen to boil water for my cup noodles. Everyone thought i had gone out with some girl or another for dinner since i told gramps not to cook. Pride again? Perhaps. Perhaps i just don't feel like answering questions. Just leave me alone...

Bobo Shooter

Just finished 3 days of shooting at the range.

Missed Marksman by ONE shot. AGAIN.

And again, i'm blaming it on factors beyond my control. Last year i was denied the chance for a reshoot due to weapon fault cos of lack of rounds... This year, i was distracted by a REALLY idiotic warrant officer.

Ok i really need to get this off my chest.

There's this position we shoot from, the prone position where basically you just lie flat on your stomach. Its called "Prone without support". Without support meaning without sandbag support that we have in another position.

Now my technique is to just lean my rifle magazine (thing below the rifle containing the rounds, long thing) on the floor as a form of support instead of placing my hand below the rifle to support it. There's nothing wrong with that since the rules just say no sandbag. I mean if you seriously meant no support, then even the hand is a form of support >.<

This dumb ass who was "invigilating" me was screaming his head off "Sir! You're not allowed to lean on your magazine! I'll disqualify you!" And i was like "Go check the bloody directive, stop bothering me!" He went on and on and i was fuming so much that i lost all my concentration, missing 2 shots at that position that i would have usually not missed. (Proof: i hit ALL my targets during the night shoot in THAT position).

Thanks to him, at the end of the shoot was short of ONE point to get marksman and be awarded $200. Grrrrr... Really pissed. But then again, i can't blame him totally. I mean i COULD have just hit all the rest of my targets and not miss any, but i didn't. So why put the blame on those 2 shots that i missed thanks to him? And i can only blame myself for not being able to concentrate... Its all part of winning and losing. I can come up with a billion reasons, but the fact is, i did miss.

Bahhhhh... doesn't make me feel any better though... Cos i KNOW i'm a crackshot, but somehow... Bahhhhhhhh... Who cares if i hit all targets during combat shoots and practices... I didn't during the damn test. Booooooooooo

Salt and Light of the Earth

In Matthew 5:13 Jesus said: You are the salt of the earth.

In Matthew 5:14 He said: You are the light of the world.

What do we understand by the statement? How do we fulfil our role as the Salt and Light of the world if we do not fully understand their properties and role in this world? Yet given our science and knowledge today, i have my doubts about how much we really know about these 2 everyday items in our lives.

Oh btw i had posted a shorter little article on salt in particular in my Church's forum if you're interested to have a look.

SALT

A mineral we take in everyday as part of our diet, mainly as a kind of flavouring without knowing that it plays a big part in keeping us alive as one of the components involved in the regulation of the balance of fluids in our body. At least thats what we know so far, given today's science.

Salt was so important in ancient times that Salt trade was the driving force behind the rise and fall of civilisations and empires. Because of this trade also, communication between various cultures and people in the world was brought about.

In the past, food was preserved using salt, which in turn allowed man to travel for longer distances.

Today, salt is readily available using modern techiniques to extract salt from sea-water or even by combining Sodium and Chloride artificially. Yes, salt is cheaper and available in large quantities today, but it is just as important to our survival.

It really is uncanny how the history of salt reflects our Christian history. How Christians have since Jesus Christ's time spread all over the world, bringing the word of God to man, allowing man to come before God. Let us not forget our importance in God's plan for the world, there are still places that need to be seasoned with salt in order to have life eternal!

Even more interesting is the medical fact that too much salt causes high blood pressure. Haha! Could it be a reminder that we should not group together so much that we lock the world outside of the Church, thus failing in the mission given to us by Christ? A reminder not to form an exclusive Christian "club" and fail to go out into the world to bring everyone eternal life!

Light

Now this is a tough one. After searching the internet and my science texts, to my surprise i realised that no one really knows what light is!

Yes, we learn that it is an Electro-magnectic wave. But what is it made up of? Scientists call light particles Photons, in line with electrons and protons, all the ton-tons. But what are photons? Today it is generally agreed that light is something that is both a wave as well as a particle, with properties of both. Yet much is still unknown about it. At least i couldn't find too much information about it...

Ok i'm going to just shoot off random thoughts as they come now.

***
How does something that travels at such fast speed collide with matter in this world and yet not cause any damage? Lets just think about the light rays that are reflected and not talk about the light rays that pass through things like glass (and even then still certain parts of light reflected.)

Is there any space between light? Eh... how do i put this... Imagine a beam of light with a radius of say 1 cm shining onto something. It would form a circle of light right? So within that circle of light, in the super-ultra-microscopic level, are there "holes" that aren't filled by the light particle/waves?

How the does light travel so far and not lose any energy? Light is supposedly able to travel forever through space... What is giving it energy to keep moving? And not just that, it carries with it heat energy through the cold dark space... doesn't even disperse >.<

Light travelling at the ESTIMATED speed of 300,000km/h enters our eyes and... disappears into a image in our brain. Like what the...? Absorbed i understand. But still... how do you absorb something like that? In fact, how does any material absorb light? I remember this theory that if you travel at the speed of light, you would be able to pass through EVERYTHING. Yet light can be reflected, stopped, absorbed. Hmmmmmm...

Where is all the energy from that 300,000km/h speed going to? So much light is pouring onto earth every moment... I doubt we can account for everybit of that energy...

Speaking of energy, Light is said to be a form of energy. Electric/Heat energy is electron movement and the such. But light? >.<

Lots of stuff don't click. All that particle/wave/electro magnetic theory thingy aren't convincing in explaining what exactly light is...

***
Anyway back to the topic. Light, out of this world, originate from God, does things that this world can't explain. Thats what we are. Lol... We illuminate, we bring warmth, we cover every inch of the earth's surface. We are omni directional, which should apply to our service in Church.

Eh... Sleepy, cont. another day... if ever... ^^;

Pride and Prejudice

Had just finished the previous entry when i realised how full of shit i am as well lol... Oh btw, i wonder if the show P&P is nice? Coming out soon i think... if not already showing.

Digress...

Eh, i was saying that i've got my pride and prejudices as well. LOTS of them. Like how i HATE it when someone corrects my English... Actually i hate it cos they're right and i'm wrong. I just hate being wrong haha... Perfectionist mah... Another defect of mine. Either do it perfectly or don't do it at all. Which i've tried and failed to hit "Perfection", resulting in me giving up all together and being not bothered as a result. Hmmm... read something about this in the forum last night. Heh... But i only expect perfection from myself and not others... i think...?

Which leads to me also hating it when someone comments that i missed a beat while playing the drums. *Fume* Worse, say i totally off-beat! Yea i miss a beat or two when i attempt "stunts" and fail, that i admit. But to be off-beat, thats impossible. That person's hearing got problem... Bleah... Anyway, if i were off-beat, Sam would definitely be staring at me and going "tsk tsk" while trying to catch my attention with the twitching of his head hahaha...

Oh i can't stand it when someone claims to be smarter than i am, or when i hear someone praising another person over myself too... >.< Super pride coming into play here. More from inferiority complex mostly i suppose? Since i'm the dropout here, no matter how valid my reasons were. I can shout all i want that i'm the smartest smarty pants that this world has ever seen and everyone will just brush me off in favous of any tom dick or harry with a degree. There were times when i had really wanted to prove my worth by achieving something everyone would recognise, ie. 5 Cs and the such. But eventually, God exerted His influence over me and now i'm dedicated to seeking someway to make everyone SEE. Kinda slacking and not been putting my brain power fully into the task now and then too hah... But then again, come to think of it, i don't think God gave me this task cos i THINK i'm smartEST in the whole wide world. I don't think this task can be accomplished using brains alone at all. Hmm... REVELATION!!! Hmmmm hummmmm heeee hooooooo... Nvm i'll ponder upon this at my own leisure. ^^

Despite being a smarty pant myself, i HATE smarty pants lol... People who are full of themselves, people who can never accept the fact that they're wrong. Maybe because we would definitely clash, each being so sure of ourselves being right and the other person wrong. Haha... In fact that could be it ^^;

Otherwise i don't have many prejudices. Ahhhhhh just as i typed that... Oh yes i can't stand RICH people lol... Actually I'm fine if you're rich but not rub it in everyone's face. But those idiots who think the world of themselves just cause they've got some dough... grrrr... A certain 45 yr old multi-millionaire who drives a yellow porsche comes into mind. Haha...

***

Yea i'm far from being perfect... by perfect i'm thinking Jesus Christ who showed us it can be done, no excuses ^^; Sure i screwed up countless times, but i've repented and am moving on. If you truly love me, let go of my past too and see me for what i am today. I'm still improving and moving towards that perfection. I may never reach it, but love me for my desire to reach it ya? And if you do, i'll be grateful from the bottom of my heart...

See me for who i am behind the mask that i may unknowingly wear. My heart's all yours, you who understand me...

Arrogance ballooney

Heh had thought i'd be spending the next 3 days shooting at the range, but happens that i'm back camp already but will be spending the next 2 days at the range till midnight most prob.

Anyway i checked out Yahoo! Singapore as usual to see the local top hits and saw that its about Dawn, due to her recent exposure on the news i suppose. Had visited her webbie now and then when i was still using Xanga but stopped going after i switched over here.

There were various articles on her, commenting on her looks, lifestyle and what not, which i'm not interested in at all, not so ba gua... I chanced upon Xiaxue's entry however, and decided to drop in to have a look.

I'm so disgusted with the way she writes. Or rather the online personality she attempts to create. It was a post in response to accusations against her by the online community in defense of Dawn. Xiaxue did try to clear up the misunderstanding, but the way she lashes out at everyone was really YUCKS. Calling everyone morons and such, and claiming that she has a high IQ (148 i think she claims...) and asking ppl to take a qualified IQ test before trying to challenge her. >.<

Usually i'll just ignore such idiotic claims, but feeling peevish today.

i seriously doubt she has a IQ of anything above 120. Her supposed score probably came from those free internet tests. Judging from her posts, she lacks the vision that truly intelligent people have, the vision that sees beyond what normal people like her sees. Also, if u're smart, you would also know that even IQ tests from MENSA don't mean anything. Intelligence isn't defined just by how well you answer those "IQ" questions. Even if you were to get full marks for every exam in school it simply means you are better at studying than other people.

Everyone is intelligent, in many different ways. I hate hearing anyone say someone is stupid. Ok i do it all the time, but i don't mean it THAT way. Mine's just complaints i throw when i fail to pass on my understanding to others. Its MY failing, not theirs. So i'm the dumbass heh. But there are people who really feel and believe that they are better than others who are seemingly less capable in areas which society defines as being related to intelligence.

We are defined from childbirth it seems. A toddler who is able to speak when 1 yr old is smarter than someone who only knew how when 3. How true is that? Sure, scientists find that a majority of such cases are true. But that's still just a majority. Parents who keep scolding their children "you're so stupid" are the stupid ones. They judge their children based on the world's standards, comparing with other kids, and fail to see what their children are good at. Sure, he may not score full marks for his tests, but he always makes something for you in his Arts and Craft class even though you would dismiss it as a waste of time.

Everyone's definitely good at something, but the world defines what is WORTH being good at.

We are all good in different things so that we can work together like parts of the body to accomplish great things, for the good of everyone. Can you imagine if one day EVERYONE's child is a lawyer? We're gonna die of starvation cos no one wants to be a hawker. But of course, who would want their child to aspire to be a hawker and not a lawyer? But i really rather my child be an outstanding hawker than a half-fukked lawyer...

Marxism is a belief that man can do away with social classes and co-exist in harmony, each contributing in what he is good at, an ideal utopia. Communism came about from man's inability to put aside one's own pride and be humble in what he does best. Perhaps the only day a true Marxist society will exist is when Heaven descends upon us all ^^

Wow i've digressed quite abit haha... Just wanted to release some pent up frustration in the world we live in ^^

Another Fulfilling Day in Church

Its always tiring attending 2 sessions of Church service, but at the end of it all i find it time well spent ^^

Today's worship was pretty awesome, i managed to pull off a couple of new draws that i had been thinking about in my head during the rehearsal hehehe... Not bad for someone who only gets to touch the drumset once a week :)

I messed up during our practice for a new song tho... There's this draw that Sam wants me to copy the actual album >.< Haiz... I really rather sing the song. Actually i think i sing pretty well lol...

Was fiddling with the piano for abit too. Think i've got some flair with it haha... Give me a week with it and i might just figure out how it all works heh. Argh... regret choosing to go for computer lessons over piano lessons when i was young again... Sigh... I LOVE the piano...

Oh and i found out i've got an additional role to play during our coming Thailand trip. I gotta act as some Cheena-man in my Cheena costume and strike some martial arts pose and stuff. Duh... Was thinking of getting the Andy Lau song: Chinaman, and get myself a fan instead hehe...

Got dragged out by Cassie after church. Its funny how i kept wishing it was -J- who asked me out instead lol... Seriously more relaxed when i'm with -J- lah... Although i doubt i'd have much topics to interest her in, but at least if we do find something to talk about, i know she would understand what i'm saying much better than anyone else. Hmmm...

Bahh... Cassie's entangled with yet another juvenile, immature, control freak again. She denies that he is one, but i can see all the signs. Phone call keeps coming in every hour asking where she is, what she's doing, why never call... And when she complains to him about me not agreeing with what she says, he would side with her despite not knowing the head or tail of the whole thing itself. Do girls seriously want a guy who just agrees with everything she says to get into her good books (or bed for that matter)? Ok fine, maybe its just me. I rather be honest and pray i'll find someone who appreciates my honesty someday. I mean i'm not tactless nor crude (if i am, its usually on purpose haha...). Bahhhhhhhh... just don't like to have girls find me inferior to other guys just cos they are born butt-kissers. Makes my blood boil. >.<

I want to go out and be able to enjoy being myself...

Cassie Filled Day

Finally met up with Cassie today, a week after she came back Singapore. Hah... Guess we weren't all that anxious to meet each other. Anyway i was really too busy at work. Didn't even call her lol...

Anyway i had planned to spend my saturday at home playing Resident Evil 4, but Cassie called early in the morning... so... oh well... sounds reluctant huh? Strange...

Nothing spectacular about our date itself. The usual, eat, shop, eat. Over ate this time tho... was so damn full i could hardly walk >.<

Excuse me... is that a new fashion design...?

But of course we ran into weird happenings like we always do... Saw a whole bunch of ppl in really WEIRD outfits that were weird even to someone as lacking in fashion sense as myself. And the best part was when i came out from the toilet, i saw 3 girls in front of me. I wouldn't have noticed them if i hadn't noticed all the male shopkeepers turning their heads and following them with their eyes as they walked past.

THEN i noticed that one of the girls had her skirt hitched up behind, exposing her panties and her butt cheeks... O.O"

For a second i thought to myself: Maybe she meant it that way... But then again, nah... So, seeing everyone gawking and no one telling the poor girl, i went up to the bunch of them and tapped her friend on the arm. (Didn't want to tell the girl directly as it felt embarassing ar...) Obviously they didn't catch what i was driving at : Your friend's skirt's err... *points* Duh... I had to really POINT at her butt before they noticed!!! -.-

Cassie was berating me for not snapping a picture of the girl's bared butt for her to see when i told her about it... As usual...

Anyway she went off to meet one of her "friends" again, and here i am back home, still feeling full and very foot sore.

Ok then, some photos ^^ She asked me to choose the theme for her dressing today, i had wanted hot japanese student, but she was having her period so she wore 3/4 pants instead of a nice short, sexy skirt... damn... hahaha... Yeah, its my fetish... short skirts ^^

Stoning...

Its not what you think... ^^;

The Delinquents...

Too shy to kiss hahaha... like real...

More pics in my picture link ^^

So how do i feel? Like that lor... Its just like before she left la... Didn't feel any different. I still find myself unable to click with her on many topics, yet i kinda enjoy having her around. Like she says, if we ever end up together, its only because they isn't anyone else. Haha... Last resort kinda thing la... Which is kinda true in the past few years. Whenever she or myself is attached, we won't see each other much. We're best buddies in that sense i guess ^^

Fiona crazy~

Fiona Xie. Da babe amongst all the actresses in TCS right now. I've always found her attractive, i admit that. But thats all there is about it. I mean there's no way i can tell what kind of person she is in real life just by watching her "reel" life.

That is up till yesterday.

Her blog url's been going on for quite sometime now, but i've never bothered to visit and see what she writes about. Like i said, just being pretty doen't neccessary make me interested to know the person. But it so happened i was bored, so i went to Yahoo Singapore to see whats the top news. And i saw that Fiona Xie topped the search list of the day. So what the hell, clicked to see what kind of webpages there are about her. And there it is, her now-defunct blog.

I must say i'm very impressed with her posts. And i'm kinda surprised she's a Christian too. Haha... who am i to be surprised right? EVERYONE's surprised when they find out i'm a Christian lol... Anyway, after reading her posts, i totally revamped the impression i had of her in my mind.

Ok Fiona, guess what, your pretty face and your oh-so-damn-hot body didn't convert me to start worshipping you. But your thoughts, your views, and your persona did. Heh... Of course that doesn't mean i agree with everything you say in your blog, but its a start ^^

Oh i added the link to her expired blog too hahaz...

Shed me some skin

I'm molting... i had thought that for once i wouldn't, despite being seriously sunburnt. But i just HAD to go play a short round of basketball last night. And when i looked, small bubbles were forming beneath my red-turning-brown skin. Had thought they were air bubbles, but when i burst one, water flowed out. Perspiration. -.- Seems that it can't disperse through dead, burnt skin. Bahhhh. So now my office carpet's covered with my dead skin haha... I kinda like peeling off dead skin. Especially when you manage to peel off a large piece ^^

Strange Encounter

Today something weird happened as i was leaving the food court.

I felt someone's eyes on me... and when i looked up, i saw a very pretty girl staring at me, walking towards to me. And so we walked towards each other and past each other, all the while staring at each other. And when we were about 10 steps past each other, i turned around only to find that she had turned around as well and we looked at each other again.

How strange. I don't think she could have seen my sun burnt skin peeling off my face under that lighting. I don't think i know her either, being such a pretty girl that she is i couldn't have forgotten her.

Eh... Fine i did forget what -J- looks like, and i did think it was her for a moment, but c'mon its 11:30am, no way she could be awake and in Causeway Point ^^

I doubt its cos she found me good looking either... I mean i do have illusions of being good looking and eye catching. But i know the cold hard truth. *Cry*.

So what was the reason? I know there was nothing on my face. I checked in the toilet after that. Haiz... Guess i'll never know unless we run into each other again in the far future. Seriously strange cos i felt that i should know her, yet i know i don't. Hmmmmmm...

Sun-Kissed

Lobster Delight

I'm burning~ Totally sunburnt from standing in the sun from 10am till night time yesterday haha... Was in Sentosa with the youths from church ^^ Actually was kinda lazy to go, but aiya didn't want to disappoint em haha...

Didn't regret going tho, was fun and it made me forget my age hah! Good to know i can still mix with em and lose myself in the crowd. Did some math and realised i'm a decade older than most of em >.< But oh well, i age well, so it doesn't really show haha...

Muscle's aching all over now, and my right index finger's unusable. Split my nail pretty badly while digging a super deep hole on the beach lol... Was bored so suggested a competition on it mah... And of cos i won... My whole army could enter the hole ^^ Then they followed up on my hole and started joining the holes with tunnels doh...

Oh and Xiaobai can swim! Er.. Dog paddle... He chased after a she-male dog right into the sea >.< The poor chap can't differentiate between a female dog and a neutered she-male -.-

Black Society

Ok this is not about racism. But someone should do something about all those bangladesh workers running amok at popular tourist resorts on holidays. Everytime there is a celebration of sorts, u'll see a whole sea of them in the crowd. I mean thats fine still if they wanna join in the fun. But most of them are there for some cheapthrill. ie. groping and rubbing against the female population. Its disgustingly obvious the way the leer and eye the girls. My cousin has lost count of the number of times her butt has been defiled >.< I was so pissed off when i got on the bus and the 3 bangladeshis in front purposely stopped right after the entrace, effective creating a tight squeeze for anyone else boarding (when they were the first few aboard and can jolly well move in) that i told them off loudly to move in. Glad that the bus driver did the same.

And then when we were queuing for the bus back, the whole gang of em were up to no good again, purposely running their hands along the railings of the dividers to "rub" past any unwary girls who stood to close to the railings. Luckily i warned my youths in time -.- Bahh... these people just make me plain fed up. I was all tensed up and seriously ready karate chop any hands that wandered too close to my "sheep". Grrrrrrrr....

***

Anyway it sux i gotta work today. Having a short break now. Meeting later... dread meetings >.< And i hurt all over boohoohoo... Any volunteers to rub calamine lotion onto me? ^^

Smarty-Asses

Do you ever get so frustrated when you're trying to explain something to a dumbass who think he's so smart, obviously not listening to you and keep trying to tell you about his "answer"?

I mean its alright if you're seriously smarter and got the right answer. But... Argh... Its just plain irritating when the person's all wrong but doesn't see it...

Hey i'm fine with people who aren't what society defines as "smart". I know i'm one of those smartasses who always think i'm right... sometimes... Hey but usually i'm right wat?! Right...? Lol...

Bahhh... alright, fine, i think i'm the smartest person in the world. That if i put my mind to it i can accomplish anything. BUT i also attribute it all to God. And whenever i CAN'T do something, i'd look to Him and the solution would come to me. BUT i know that's wrong. I should be looking to Him ALL the time, and not only when i'm in trouble.

Allow me my little indulgences. I need to have SOME things to be proud of sometimes la... Especially since my downfall from being the best in everything >.< Can i please maintain my illusion of being the biggest smartass in the world? Haha...

Morning Lonliness...?

Do you ever wake up in the morning and suddenly feel like talking to someone? To share that feeling of being alive with?

I woke up this morning with this feeling bursting forth from my heart. How strange... haha... No one beside me to share with so went online, no one i can share the feeling around hur... Still pigging away duh...

Do you feel like that sometimes? To share the beginning of everyday with someone who would understand? ^^

Being True

Was musing over what i should write about after spending the whole day tweaking my Windows laptop to look and run like a Mac haha... Right now its almost exactly the same as my Powerbook, kudos ^^

Anyway i just remembered something my cousin was telling me about last night. Its a question i had wondered about myself sometime ago.

What if at the end of the day, everyone we helped goes to Heaven except us?

Sometimes we wonder if we had unknowingly strayed off the path that we preach. Especially when we're CG leaders and such in the Church whom the youths look up to. Who is there to remind us when we stray or fall? Its a very real what-if, seeing how many "strong" Christian leaders had fallen along the way.

I was just thinking about posting something in relation to this what-if, when i opened my Bible and walla!

Galatians 6

1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5 for each should carry his own load.

6 Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.

7 Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

***

Its interesting how the appropriate verses just appear when i need em... especially verses that i've no recollection of. Feels good when i've absorbed and understood (what i can for now) the verse. ^^

***

The 1st paragraph gives assurance in the "rightness" of what we are doing, while reminding us to remain humble no matter how many people we may have aided. Also within is the caution not to compare, for "each one should carry his own load".

I'm not too sure about "test his own actions" though... can't find any text that says HOW to do that. To me, i think its about putting our theories and teachings into action. To do what we preach, to be involved in the Church, in His work. Well, at least thats what i understand at this point.

The 2nd short paragraph is a guide to the relationship we should have with both our "teachers" and our "students". To be able to share with each other in a 2-way communication and hence build up each other.

Finally, the last paragraph is a warning and a reminder as well as a summary. When we serve, we serve for God, not for ourselves. Not to look good or to impress others. (Reminded of guys who come church to woo girls... short-term super onz, get girl liao both disappear together... -.-) And of course whatever other reasons we may have that do not please God...

1 Sa 16:7 The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

***
This is a very very important reminder to me. Even when i write my blog, there are times when i am afflicted with the tendancy to want to write to impress the handful of faithful patronisers, especially since THE ONE may be reading my posts haha... Its really tough to do things and not hope for any returns. But the Bible teaches us to set our sights on Heaven and Eternal life, not on this world.

Hmmm... i keep trying to be myself no matter where i am, who i am with. But have "myself" changed along the way? Unknowingly have i altered "myself" to be what people would like and be attracted to? Haiz...
***

"Let us not become weary in doing good... as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people"

To be more like Jesus...