Dream

Back after a week out in the fields. Hate outfield exercises >.<

Right, dreams. Had this really weird dream on Monday night. Weird as in i had a similar dream before, God knows when. But i'm sure its a continuation or rather part II of that forgotten dream.

The background story to the dream's pretty hazy and sloppy. I was at this chalet thing with people i don't recognise. Yet in the dream i think i was supposed to know those people. Quite well in fact. Among them were a few really hot babes. Lol... I've already forgotten most of the dream tho... its been fading fast the moment i woke up hmm...

Shan't go into the flirtations that i encountered in the dream since its not the main event lol... Anyway, somehow we went for this ride on a train thing. Now this was where things got weird.. and familiar. Everytime i exited and re-entered the carriage, everyone in it would have changed seats. And at times there were even different people in it. My pal who i was sitting with would be in another seat, yet my seat next to him would still be empty. Strangely he doesn't seem to realise that he had shifted. Don't ask me why i kept exiting and entering the carriage lol...

Now here comes the eerie part... everytime i entered, besides noticing that everyone had shifted, (*damn, getting goose-pimples for some unknown reason*), i would somehow "see" someone out of place in that carriage. Now at that point of time in the dream i had no visual of that out of place person. But things were feeling VERY VERY wrong, yet in the dream i found everything familiar as well. That i have had this dream before. Strangely, at this moment that i'm typing this, i DO NOT remember ever having any dream similar to it before. Yet when i had only just awoken and was relating my dream to my subordinates out in the wilderness, i was damn sure i had a similar dream before. >.<

Confused? Lol... Anyway, i have NO idea what transpired in my brain, but suddenly one of my female companions suddenly appeared, pushed me down onto my seat and straddled me while putting my arm round her waist. Whoa, ultimate fantasy? Hmm... strangely i was filled with a sense of wrongness and sin in the dream and i pushed her off. Not sure if anything happened in between cos i can't remember now -.-, but the next thing i know, a "boy" was flying straight at me hands outstretched and his face filled with loathing with murder in his eyes. Why do i say "boy"? Cos he was really really pale, the kind that dead people possess, and my brain had registered it as a GHOST!!!!!!!!!! at that moment lol...

I caught his hands just as they were about to close round my throat and started wrestling with this phantom who seems to hate me to the core. Now this was when things got REALLY familiar. Somehow i KNEW that the way to defeat it was to blow my breath upon its face and without even considering the absurdity of it, i started doing just that. I just kept blowing as if my life depended on it (well, it did actually lol), and i could sense it growing weaker and weaker. Finally, i knew it was time and blew with all my strength and knew i had won. I didn't actually see it "die" or fade away, but i knew it was disappearing... i'm not sure where my cameraman in the dream was pointing at, but it seemed that i was looking at my thoughts in the dream at this point rather than what my eye was seeing. Another weird thing happened. Just before it was gone, i "looked" at it and somehow i felt pity in the thoughts of my dream-self. I kinda bowed to it and said in mandarin, Goodbye. Err... Now that i think of it, i think i said 再见 which translated to See You Again >.< Oh my God.... No wonder i remember the THING reply: Yes we will... Good bye for now.

And right when it disappeared, my subordinate called out to me in real life, waking me up immediately with that strange dream stuck in my head.

Man... its DAMN weird. I mean i'm seldom affected by dreams in this way, and i almost NEVER have nightmares, not that i was even remotely afraid in that dream. Strange. I was really calm throughout my dream, filled with certainity. Hmmm... Wish i were like that in real life haha... I wonder what significance this dream has for me. A message from God? A battle with the evil one in my dreams? I'm kinda proud of myself for the way i responded in the dream though. Been a LONG time since i was filled with God's Righteousness even in my dreams. To be able to keep from sinning even in my dreams. I suppose its a step in the right direction :) But i also know that its not an end. Like it said, it will be back and i willl have to face it again someday, whatever form it may take, whether in my dreams or elsewhere. I hope i will be ready ^^;

Interesting Quotes!

Found in the Newpaper today thought i'd share a few :)

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway: "See, i'm not injured yet."

Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when are late and late when you are early. (My Fav!!! Lol)

I got a STALKER! Wooooooooo....

Didn't want to post the email actually in case the person who sent it minds. But from recent developments, i think i can safely post this here cos YOU are most definitely not someone from my church.

***
Hi,
i had a crush on u a long time ago. i noe u r not attached neither r u
available. But i believe i am THE ONE cos u love god as much as i love
u..lol...i m from same church as u tho u may not notice me. I like u a
lot.
U got a lot of gf b4? i dun mind actually but i hope u r still a
virgin..lol..
anyway, i will continue to like u till u take notice of me....

loving ya,
alicia
***

Been watching CSI ALOT recently, back into my Sherlock Holmes mode which i dunked in Sec Sch heh, so i shall attempt at an autopsy of this Alicia person's persona. Oh btw, speaking of good old sec sch, i saw a RI boy earlier this evening, OMG, did i look THAT nerdy? And the terrible hair? Gosh...

Ok back to the topic lol...

First off, from the email, i don't think you really know me, nor my religion. I'm not looking for someone to love me as much as i love God, but someone who loves God more than she loves me. And perhaps even love God more than i do. Also, you're not from my church, which is why you took for granted that most churches are huge and everyone doesn't know everyone else. However, i attend a Chinese Church, and i happen to know most if not all of the people there.

Now that leaves me the question of how you got to know that lil'bit abt me and my string of gfs. Blog. Link? Friendster most prob. Someone from my friendster list who is bored enough? No idea. Prankster? i thought so... UNTIL the shoutbox got set up.

Ok, shoutbox. You started off by leaving urls to various girls' blogs. At first i did think it was lydia... despite it being kinda out of character (sorry! lol). I had not linked u to the email at first. Hard to link without more data. Anyway, once you started trying to frame Lydia by posting vulgarities to yourself under Lydia's name, i understood kinda saw it as someone who wanted me to think badly of another girl. Prob not a personal vendetta vs. Lydia. She just happened to patronise my blog at the wrong time heh. Once i arrived at this conclusion, i re-examined the english used and voila! Click, "Alicia".

Its strange if you're a random prankster to constantly monitor my blog so closely. So you must have some real links to me. Possibly a friend of someone i know. I would prob know more if i waited for more data to come in, but heck, i've dun care really.

I do not know if you're even a female. I'm pretty sure you're not "in love" with me as you say. To impersonate someone from my church shows a distinct lack of sincerity anyway. I don't really understand why you chose to impersonate Lydia. Possibly a random act without thought that blew out of proportion?

Hmm... i have a few theories.

1: Your Surname's a Lim, ahd your name's Ham Ji lol... (* Ruled out after i linked you to the same person who impersonated me on Cassie's blog...)

2: You're also the person taking Cassie's pictures and impersonating her on other websites. Which if is the case, i wonder if you found Cassie from friendster and somehow linked to me or linked to her from my blog.

3: You're a very very bored person... possibly using a Broadband service from Singnet.

Thats all for now hehe, give me more clues? Lol... This is actually quite fun. And with my luck, i might be a totally off, or i might be darn close to bullseye heh.

* Update: So you impersonated as me on Cassie's blog eh... Caught ya the moment u asked for her height in the shoutbox.

爷爷的剑

剑，虽非兵器之皇者，却被公认为众武器中之君子，乃侠仪之士的头号兵器。

宝剑，青光四射，削铁如泥，挥之者如虎添翼，遇佛杀佛遇神杀神！名剑，有如《干将》《莫邪》，无人不知无人不晓，知名度远胜曾经拥有过它们的主人！

古人有云：剑在人在，剑亡人亡。 但往往，人在剑在，人亡剑还在！

我手中的剑，一把毫不起眼的剑，它的主人犹如之前不计其数的主人一般以不在世了。一把普普通通的剑，经过了时间的洗礼，已化为了柄古剑，一柄传了不知多少代，曾属于我爷爷的剑！

剑，一柄生锈的剑，绝非柄削铁如泥的宝剑。虽非宝剑，却仍是传家之宝。握在手里，似乎感觉到了爷爷的存在。不，不只是爷爷，还有他的爷爷，和他的爷爷的爷爷。。。这是一把传孙不传子的剑，永远唤为《爷爷的剑》的剑。

我握着剑不知不觉开始在厅里绕着圆圈走着，脑海里一片空白，随意挥舞着剑。左一劈，右一砍，前一刺，脑海里突然有个念头，要找到挥剑时的平衡点，每一招每一式都得顺畅，自然。就抱着这念头舞起剑来，也不知过了多久，终于停下了。

***

Hmmm... To be continued... if ever lol... doh... what am i writing man? i also dunno... By the way, its ficticious, my grandpa did not leave me any sword haha...

Blogging @ Park Mall

Lol... at some course in NUS Extension in Park Mall today. Errm... NOW lol... Good thing that got internet access, had to have since my work's being done on the internet. This post gonna take forever to finish... Gotta pay SOME attention to the class. Plus i type too noisily... FAST, wat to do? heh...

Basically learning how to use this program they have to manage knowledge. A Learning Management System. Quite idiot proof to me, create forums, chatroom, workbins... usual fare. Good thing i came though... spotted SO MANY problems with the program lol... The lecturer's stressed man. Told me to write down the points i raised and pass him after the course later haha...

***

Argh... damn sleepy... Bought Hi-Chew to eat, finishing up really fast >.<

Cassie saves the day

Coincidentally Cassie cheered me up with her crazy antics as usual.. lol... Snapped them off MSN ^^







And 2 pics she took herself... Keep drooling guys, she's MINE lol...





Always amazed by how pretty she is... hah... Too used to having her around, rarely see her as a girl... :D

Grandpa's Gone

Today, 15 Sep 05, my beloved 干爷爷 / God-Grandpa, left this world.

Gifts of Prophecy and Tongues

Ok this not meant to spark some inter-denomination war amongst the Protestant Churches. Its for self consumption, and anyone who wishes to read it.

I've heard a dozen arguments about the speaking of tongues in general. i myself do not possess the gift, and i am not against it nor for it. To me, if you have it, cool, if you don't, so what? But i always remember what my dear Pastor Chua once said, If you speak in tongues, do so in such a way that others around you are not disturbed. When i share this with friends, those with the gift were kinda incensed. "Its a gift, why should i hide it? There is nothing wrong in exercising it! Who's to stop God's work?" And so on...

I was just reading thru my Bible, my favourite verse at 1 Cor 13 "Love" actually lol... And well i saw Apostle Paul's views on Tongues, so heck, i'll share some of it here.

All ye who hath ears listen! (Oh i loved the humour in this statement when Christ said it ^^)

***

It is good for one to desire spiritual gifts, the most prominent in this age being the gift of speaking in tongues (Pastor Chua forever reminding us last time not to forget about the other gifts ^^).

Apostle Paul says: 1Cor 14:1 - Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of phophecy..

I'm not sure what phophecies actually mean today, but anyway, Apostle Paul goes on to say: For anyone who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God. Indeed, no one understands him; he utters mysteries with his spirit. But everyone who prophesies speaks to men for their strengthening, encouragement and comfort.

Should be pretty clear by now that Apostle Paul doesn't really care too much about speaking in tongues. Probably a good to have, but not MUST have kinda thing.

1 Cor 14:4 - He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church.

But there is good that can come from speaking in tongues (before i get flamed lol)

He who prophesies is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets, so that the church may be edified.

Now before anyone says he's biased, let it be known that Paul himself spoke tongues, 1 Cor 14:18 - I thank God that i speak in tongues more than all of you. But in the church i would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue.

And oh i love this part... ok i'm mean, but Paul likens the speaking of tongues to NOISE, if used in the wrong way i think... but he's civilised, unlike me, so he used MUSIC instead of NOISE lol...

1Cor 14:6 - Now brothers, if i come to you and speak in tongues, what good will be to you, unless i bring you some revelation or knowledge or prophecy or word of instruction? Even in the case of lifeless things that make sounds, such as the flute or harp, how will anyone know what tune is being played unless there is a distinction in the notes? ... 9 - So its is with you. Unless you speak intelligble words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? You will just be speaking into the air.

This man is damn brave and straightforward while being pretty subtle methinks hah! Paul puts the church and the edifiying of others first and foremost. Which is why he emphasizes 1Cor 14:12 - Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church. Which is like a reminder to all my dear friends out there who pray for the gift of speaking in tongues. I do not know what reasons they have deep down, just hope this verse helps!

And his guidelines as to speaking in tongues in church.

1Cor 14: 26 - When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strenghtening of the church. If anyone speaks in a tongue, two - or at most three - should speak, one at a time, and someone must interpret. If there is not interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church and speak to himself and God.

That about covers everything i guess? I'm not implying anyone's doing things wrongly. I have my own interpretation of these teachings in the Bible. I'm sure others have their own. I believe, that if you stick to the central guideline that Paul set down, To Edify the Church, then i guess its all right isn't it? And if you're not fulfilling this guideline, you know where you are and what should be done.

***

Oh i was just sharing with my cousin the other day about my views on sin. God broke down sin to its primary building blocks and warned us against them. Captured within The Ten Commandments and later The Great Commission. And all we have to do is just follow em to steer clear of sin.

Example, if you break down what leads to murder, you'd get anger, greed, moment's folly... and if you break those down all the way, you'll eventually get what's listed in the 10+1 mentioned above.

If you do not lust, do not lose your temper, will it be easy for you to commit something more serious?

Christ broke it all down to Love. If you love your neighbours, everyone around you, be it a stranger, would you sin? Would you lust after someone you really love? Would you kill? Love... aye, how many people know what it is?

All complicated things are a combination of simple building blocks. Computers are just 1s and 0s. The whole world is just atoms, electrons, protons and what not.

We don't have to worry about sin, if we just follow the basic guidelines. But then... its always harder than it sounds heh...

Dream Girl!

Perfect looks anyway...





Oh besides that angelic face she has the body of the devil... Not really appropriate to post those pics up here tho haha... Use our imagination lol...

Yea right, girl with perfect looks, perfect body, brains and personality to match, and crazily in love with me? Keep dreaming...

Arghhhh

Had wanted to share some Bible verses. But mum came in and destroyed my mood.

Damnit man... my life's screwed up in all aspects. No one trusts me, no one believes me. Who to blame but myself? God already told me to be responsible in even the mundane stuff. But no... i had my head in the clouds. Me and my lofty ideals.

I wanted to study. I loved studying. I thought i was ready. But i realised i wasn't. I could juggle work and family, let alone the addition of studies. So i decided to disrupt for a year while i settle my life. Hell, if i can't set aside time to do my own studying in this one year, i won't be ready for studies a year later.

I've got my plans, my reasons. But no... What people see is me jumping into something i'm not ready for and not running away from it. Hey, if my work didn't suddenly intensify with the additional projects being thrown to me, i might have managed it in time. I'm only stopping now so as to not screw up BOTH my studies AND my work. I see the big picture, the long haul. So what if my fees for the semester is forfeit. Its a small price to pay if i can get everything back on track. Money is just money... whats the big deal damnit. And now my mum suspects that i did not even pay the fees in the first place. I'm so pissed!!! Arghhhh...

Quite a few people have told me before that i've got my perspective all wrong. I think i'm smart, but people see me as being dumb. Deep down? I know i'm fighting a losing battle. One can't go against the tide forever. The tide wins eventually and i'll be washed up. 但我不干愿！我不服！为什么人生就一定要这样走?

Sigh... what am i doing? Why do i even bother? Just do what everyone's doing ya? Why give myself problems?

God... Save me...

Can't Sleep...

I know i should be sleeping. Got that half marathon to go to in like 4 hrs >.< But i just can't. Suddenly thought of someone i hadn't been thinking of in a long time.

I wonder if she made the right choice? Career wise, fortune wise, sure, i suppose 15 million beats a pauper hands down. It would be kinda sad if thats all there is though. For her sake i hope he did live up to his words. But deep down, i kinda doubt it. Live up to his words? Hah... unless he stands to gain from it. Risk losing half his fortune? i wonder...

Looking back, i'm glad i didn't hang on though. For both our sakes, it was a good move. And my decision to stay away from her? Her mum prob would thank me. Yeah auntie, she made her choice and i'm not sticking around to muddy the waters. Enough is enough. Green hat? Just that short time that i was made to wear em is enough thank you.

Its not her fault. She's just been drilled, trained, conditioned, whatever word you choose, to be his tool. She respects him for the things he's good at. That i give to him. She forgives him out of love? pity? I don't know. He plays the weak and vulnerable victim when it suits him. Psychology's his forte after all. How many girls can stand up to him? Those that didn't give him all his heart i suppose.

Maybe its better for her to never see? Lots of women do it i hear. At least you get to pretend to have a loving relationship when he wants you. Yea, ignore that trickle of tears when he gets what he wants and rolls over, start snoring.

I'm evil and manipulative, hell yea.

***

I'll stay away till you find your happiness. True friends don't hide what they feel. I won't lie to you and say what you want to hear.

Our song don't bring tears to my eyes anymore. The heartache's a dim memory now. But well, for a sec i am reminded of you and me in happier times.

Oh, i GOT to remember to post your stuff back to you >.<

Well that's that, time to sleep.

Post on PSP ^^

This post is done on my Playstation Portable lol.. Just trying the new browser out haha.. I need a keyboard.. this is killing me =(

Is it Loneliness?

I don't know what i'm feeling these days. Been just immersing myself into FFXI. REALLY deep submersion. So much so that i've just about gotten cut off from the rest of the living world again.

Its not about Gramps. Its... i don't know how to place it. Ok its a wave~~~ of nolstagia and God-knows-what. I don't miss anyone in particular, but i miss having someone to spend time with.

*Why are there so many ants on my table?!*

Sigh... something's missing. Maybe its cos i haven't gone so long without being in a relationship since i started when i was what, 20? Girl after girl after girl... I mean its good that i have time off alone to re-evalute my life. I don't know... Argh... What the hell is wrong with me?

I want to go out. I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want to be happy. I want someone to share all these with. Is that so hard? Apparently yes.

Bahhhhhhh

Death Comes To All

My Grandpa's Dying

Not my maternal Grandpa, but my God-Grandpa, ie. my dad's God-Father. He lies in his bed at home right now, surrounded by his loved ones, oblivious to the real world around him. At times his hand suddenly goes into spasms and he starts weaving his hand through the air in that all so familiar movement of one stir frying something in the wok. Or he'd suddenly start rummaging for cigarettes in his pockets, which aren't there anymore. He'd reply gibberish, with a smile to any queries posed to him by visitors and family members alike, his eyes fixated at some point on the ceiling. The doctors estimate that he would not live past the week.

Memories of a giant

When i try to recall my earliest memories of my Grandpa, i see within my mind's eye that photograph of my birthday when i was just a toddler. Of a much younger him bending over, right next to me, surrounded by all my fabulous prezzies (How i wish i had that indoor swing back!). I don't remember the event taking place, but i remember seeing that photograph when i was still quite young, and its been there in my album ever since.

My Grandpa was a chef in his younger days. He and my Dad's father were sworn brothers and he took my Dad to be his God-Son eventually, when he was born. Oh he had alot of children of his own, but he had always treated my Dad as one of his own and all his children call my dad "Da Ge" or Big Bro.

I usually only got to see my Grandpa on Chinese New Year each year. Which is to say, not alot. Yet i never felt out of place nor unfamiliar with this kindly man with a boisterous nature and a thunder like voice. Strangely i've always felt quite close to this man i call "Gan-ye-ye" or "God-Grandpa". And oh! How i look forward to a sumptuous meal at his place! Especially his special hot pepper pig intestine soup. Haha... love it.

Every year he would inquire how i was doing in my studies, which i would usually just say "Ok" to. But as usual, my Dad's parents would have updated him that i was doing extrememly well. I remember him beaming at me when he found out i had gained entry to the pretigious Raffles Institution. His words were "Well done, Yifan! Study hard, next time you'll accomplish great things!" He was so proud of me... Well, of course i HAD to shock everyone by choosing to go Catholic JC instead of Raffles JC subsequently (all because of a girl! But thats another story...). I could see he was kinda disappointed and because he didn't know then that it was by my choice that i went CJC and not cos i couldn't go anywhere better, he comforted me by saying "Its all the same, wherever you go. Study hard and show them!" Although he meant it differently, as a form of consolation, his words echoed my own believes. "It makes no different which school one studies in, its whether one wants to study!"

And when i dropped out of NUS in years to come (probably a bad move, but who knows?), losing my scholarship and all, i suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of guilt towards the old man. I had given myself a whole bunch of excuses for choosing to give up my scholarship and degree in my 3rd year. But non of them could protect me from the truth that lay in my heart. I had failed to live up to expectations of my loved ones. I had no choice but to face my parents and grandparents who live with me. I built up a wall of justifications around myself against their disappointment. But to my Grandpa who had encouraged me, commended me year after year... So i chose to hide, absenting myself from all family gatherings.

It was years before i got out of my depression and decided to make changes, no matter how minor. And i dragged myself down to my Grandpa's place for reunion dinner (how appropriate!) on Chinese New Year. They had aged. Yet both my Grandpa and Grandma's faces lit up when they saw me. I was surprised, grateul yet ashamed when Grandpa asked "The past is not important. If you work hard, you can still do it. What are your plans? Do you intend to study again?" He did not ask why i dropped out. He had not asked where i had been the past couple of years. Encouragement and guidance was all he gave. Nothing negative ever came from the dear old man. He made my return to the family easy. It was as if i had never left... Yet just a year later, he's about to leave me for good.

Reminder

As i looked at the thin and frail old man lying helplessly on his bed, his right foot amputated due to diabetes just recently, his legs thin to the bone, his once full head now sparsely covered, his mouth opening and closing uncontrollably, i remembered all the times our lives crossed and touched each other. And i regretted never getting to know him better, be closer with him. Standing there in his room, filled with the mumbo jumbo coming from the buddhist chant cassette playing in the background, i felt remorse for not finding chances to bring him to Christ. I am in his debt in all sense of the word. And as i look at him, i was struck by the striking resemblance he now bears to my own grandpa back at home, who's also nearing the end of his life cycle... And i felt fear clench at my stomach. That he would soon face the same fate.

Death comes to all men, young and old. The chinese consider it a blessing to have lived to an old age. Yet it is such a tragedy if in all those years none of his loved ones brought him before God to receive the gift of eternal life. How will i ever repay this debt i owe him? I probably will never be able to. But i resolve, never again to so easily pass up a chance to bring people around me to God, in memory of my Grandpa, a giant in his own right.