Duty in Camp Again >.<

There i was thinking there was no work today cos Boss said for everyone to take the day off today. Stayed up till like 2am? Chatting on msn... Woke up at 6 to help wake some sleepyheads up. For some reason couldn't get back to sleep. Stoned around the room till 7 and SUDDENLY remembered that i'm on duty today -.-

So here i am. Back in camp. My day's plans all poof. Good thing i came back though. Was called up by the 2nd-in-command for my yearly interview.

Although i wasn't really expecting anything, i was still kinda surprised and disappointed when i was informed that i'm being passed over yet again at the ranking boards this year. For very very stupid reasons too.

1) Oh! You're actually the same age as him? Oh... you've served in the service longer too. *Gives the OOPS i think i made a mistake face*

2) Oh the other guy has had a rough patch, just finished the 3 yrs no promotion thingy cos of the Letter of Warning he received before, so suay this year got into yet another trouble with the civil law, we're thinking of helping him by upgrading him first before he gets another letter.

-Uh... i also just finished my probation thing? Like i stay out of trouble and i get passed over for that?

3) He has been really persistant in fighting for the upgrade, been seeing the big boss quite a couple of times to express his wish to be upgraded.

- Huh? I put in all that hard work last year working my ass off, volunteering to take up key roles in 2 major projects, while all he does is just talk, maybe shed a few tears and HE gets the upgrade??

***

Ok i'm pretty pissed. I mean its all really crap reasons. If i were caught under-performing, or out-performed, fine. I'm fine with that really. But to be out-manouvred. WTH... Politics in the army. I used to maintain that performance counts, i don't care about all that boot-licking. But hell, looks like i'm proven wrong. Not that i'll change and become a boot-licker. But seriously, i'm disappointed.

I came to this camp after being stomped on by my previous boss. Dejected and pretty broken. Sub-par performance in that first year. Picked myself up last year after all the failed relationships too, threw myself into work, garnered positive feedback from all the bosses, praises all round for the marked improvements. EVERYONE believed i'll be the man. And THIS.

Nah i don't need condolences. Its not a huge loss to me laaa... I always live comfortably no matter how much i earn. A couple of hundred more doesn't really make a difference. I'm just re-assessing my work commitment and seriously just complaining to God. Its probably not just the army. Had i chosen to work outside, its probably gonna be the same. I'm ME. Its ME and not them. I'm sure He'll give me the answer to my WHY real soon, and its definitely an answer i'll agree with.

So Hallelujah, i didn't get my upgrade after all ^ ^

I'll be there...

Perhaps i can't be there in the beginning.

Perhaps i wasn't always there in the middle.

But i promise,
I promise that i'll be there at the end, holding your hand till the end.

***

For my Wifey... when you appear one day, perhaps you'll see this on the days i'm not there.
I know i don't mean to. I want you to know that i wished that i could be by your side every step of the way from the moment we stepped onto the aisle...

Ps. Well, in the unlikely event that i've yet to let you down, give me a lil' kiss for encouragement won't ya? For being such a good boy and all :)

Lost

Have you ever felt like you're not sure who you are anymore, or what you're really doing? Its like when you suddenly stop and stand still in the middle of a busy street with people all streaming by, all going about their own business. Where is everybody going to? What are they doing? What am i doing? What am i doing here? Where do i go from here? Do i really want to go there?

For the past week or so, i've been feeling like i'm caught up in a whirlpool of sorts. Forced into a pattern that i do not wish for, drawn deeper and deeper in, helplessly knowing that only death awaits within. Its like i can never truly break free of the bonds that bind me to this path of self destruction. Everytime i think i've broken free, i suddenly find myself back in chains, back to square one.

Perhaps i've not truly broken free. I've been chained all this while, IMAGINING or DREAMING that i'm free? Perhaps i've never really put myself into His hands, the Master Swordsman, who with a single stroke of His sword would free me of these chains? Some people worry that He may miss and cut their flesh. Others have grown so accustomed to their chains that they feel naked without them.

***

On my way home just now, i was talking to myself as usual -.- Realised how i've been looking forward to the next week, or the next month and even the next year, everyday. Wishing that all these would pass by quickly, hoping that the future would be better, while doing nothing in the meantime that would bring about that better future that i was hoping for.

Wishing for Time to pass faster. Haha, isn't it silly for a being who only has a short 70 odd years to spend in existence on this world to wish for time to pass quickly? Especially so when he has almost wasted half that time away? I've a feeling if this continues, i'm going to be a sad old man when time's run out on me. >.<

Somehow none of this (being my life) seems real right now. I mean its not what it should be, everything's like so hazy and dream like, as if everything only exists in my brain, in my imagination. I keep having this nagging feeling that the REAL world's still out of reach out there, somewhere. That only when i start DOING what i've been talking and thinking about, and begin my Walk with God, will my eyes truly open and see the REAL world.

Where to begin? How to begin? Why do i feel so lost when i thought i've been walking with Him all the time? Or have i?

I did not become a Christian because i was afraid of going to hell when i die. Death was never on my mind, being so far off it seems. No, i became a Christian because i came to understand God's love for us all. And knowing that i began to see His plans for us, for myself. Everything that happened be it good or bad suddenly had a reason, although He was not behind all of it (most of which being a consequence of my own actions). He gave me a reason to carry on living, a purpose to my existence. He gave me the motivation to become a better man, a righteous man, judged not by the world, but by His standards. And that is my motivation to be a true Christian, not fear but love.

Oh there is fear of course. One fear. That on the day that i finally meet Him, He would say "I do not know you." That i had lived in vain, in His name, all the while never truly knowing Him nor His love. When i imagine the words coming from His mouth, my heart seems to stop beating, my brain goes into panic, the world spins and i feel so so lost. Much like a child happily running towards his parent, only to be given a cold stare and the words: "Who are you? Go away, i do not know you."

Tears.

Let me find the Way that you've shown. In your Words i seek the wisdom that i lack. Less of me and more of you until one day it is all you, my Lord.

Call me V...

Just came back from watching V for Vendetta. I give it a 4.5/5! :)

Yup its that good. The story's darn good, Natalie Portman's as enchanting as ever, though i doubt she'll ever get any taller. And V's really charming with that concise english accent of his. ^ ^ I think i'm suckers for the good old brit accent haha...

Ballocks to those who can't appreciate the movie! Haha... Ballocks. I like the sound of it~

Ok, a short review. *** Spoilers Ahead! *** But i really recommend that you watch it first. But even if u read the review, go watch it! Its infinitely nicer as a moving picture ^ ^

***

The story is starts off with Evie (Natlie Portman) out after curfew hours and is accosted by several thugs under the authority of the government (which conincidentally is ruled under the iron fist of a Hitler-wannabe). As expected V happens to be in the neighbourhood and rescues Evie from an imminent outrage of modesty.

Well, after the rather cheesy and cliche starting, the story picks up with V explaining his IDEAL, the purpose of his existence, both through lyrical muses and power packed action. Its all very sublime and really stirs the national spirit within me haha... Along the way a glimpse of V's past (or shall we say beginning?) is also shown, although you never really do get to see how he really looks like till the end. Awww... Anyway i'm sure he won't be even marginally "lookable" like the Phantom of the Opera.

Its nice how the movie chains together and links most if not all of the plots in the story nicely, building up to a very moving crescendo-ending. For the romantics out there, yes, love did transpire between Evie and V, but not just the mushy kind that movie-goers are used to. Its all very noble and spiritual in fact.

"Ideals are Bulletproof"

I love the ending. V died, but then again he lives on in each and everyone of those people who rose to his call. They are him and he is them. This is one of the few shows where the main character dies, yet you do not feel a profound sense of loss. You don't feel that his death was a defeat, but a victory.

Much like how Jesus died on the cross. And how we carry on as Christians (mini-Christs). Nice.

Seriously, go catch the show if you've got the time. Hehe i've already promised someone i'll watch it with HER again. Well, you can come along too, just let me know ^ ^

Memories...

Scanned and uploaded a ton of baby pics into Flickr last night... Woke up at 8:30 this morning, no thanks to the fact that my sis wasn't working today, so no one to wake me up if late >.<

Spent most of today in camp adjusting and rearranging the pictures...

Suddenly realised that i've grown up. Yes i'm not a little boy anymore. Although i wish i could jump into those pictures and relive the moment again. All those memories... Yeap, i could even remember a few of those pictures when they were taken... although i was only 1 and half yrs old only then.



I remember crying after this pic was taken... cos i was against it. Didn't like being exposed. Squatted down cos scared the towel would be pulled away or something -.-



My recently deceased God-Grandpa and Dad... He really had hopes for me. Remember how everytime we met he would ask how i was doing in school and to encourage me to do well. I guess he wanted his sworn brother to have a decendant who would do the family proud? Sigh...

Mum said i was super stoned when sitting in that little red car. Never move for like dunno how long, never make noise or cry either. Just sat there. Haha... I'm always abit strange aren't i?



I like this pic... Me and my dad's good friend's son. I like the joy that is so apparent in the picture. Seldom see me putting my hand over anyone like that leh...

Time really flies. There's so much i remember it almost seems like just yesterday. Most importantly, looking at these pictures reminded me of the love my parents had for me. Can really feel the parental love and pride they had when the pics were taken. Mum says i'm very silly as a baby, take picture simply refuse to look at camera just keep staring at her till she burst out laughing. Hmmm... where's that pic?



There. ^ ^ Mum seldom laughs out loud. Like this pic too. Haiz... Suddenly felt like i really haven't been a good son all these years. Mum was hinting for me to pay for the M'sia trip for dad and her. I was hesistant cos kinda over spent this month already to fix up my mac. But after looking through the pictures, i went and drew out the cash from my handphone fund. There goes the money haha... Oh well *Shrug* Its not as if my handphone can't be used. Just too bad for Dad cos he can't wait for me to get a new one and give him the one i'm using haha...

Yay, can't wait for mum to come home and pass her the money for the trip :)

Back! With photos!

Just spent almost $700 refurbishing my mac. While clearing the harddisk, found some scans of my baby pics :)

Cute bo?



Ok stop staring...



Peak at the future? >.<



I miss my favourite folding chair. It wasn't just my chair, but also my boat, my car, my assault tank, the vessel that contains all my imagination...

Writing... my life...

I think i really like to write. Been told before that i write better than i speak haha... Suppose its true? I've yet to learn to think my thoughts through before i speak, and it shows.

Also, i think the effect of face to face communication is very much limited to the mood of the listener. If he's not in the mood, you're better off talking to a rock.

Writing on the other hand isn't that limited by time and space. The receipient can choose to read it when he's ready and not before. Plus he can slowly read and digest the contents, something not easily done if someone is simply ranting off in front of you.

Lastly, you get to edit what you write. To phrase everything in the best possible way for others to understand and accept. Although i've almost never gone back to edit anything i've typed so far haha... I like things to be natural, don't really like editted material. I am who i am! ^ ^

***

That being said, i think its almost time for me to change my blog template again. Maybe not the background, the way the information is presented? Yet to learn how to use all the blogger html tags though... >.< Maybe when i find some time...

Oh... i wonder, if i ever write a book, will you buy one? Haha...

Time to get a Cross

No not the big one to hang me on... not worthy to be cruxified anyway ^ ^

I think its time i had a cross to hang about my neck. Sure, there's still several kinks i've yet to work out of my system, but i think i'm not a disgrace to Him anymore now...? Well, not that BIG a disgrace anyway.

If i remember correctly i had a simple cross a long time back in my teens. The hook broke off or something. An omen? Haha...

The second one was given by Polly on one of my birthdays i think. Didn't wear it all the time though, only on Sundays... Eventually it rusted and i packed it away somewhere... (Another sign? Haha...)

So yea, third time lucky? Haha... This time though, i think i'll get one for myself. Titanium? Should last? Hahaha... Wee~

Where is my running gear?!

Back in camp again... Haiz, gonna go out in the field for Battalion Exercise in 6 hours time. Thankfully there's only 2 such exercises this year. Had like 4 last year? >.< Only be back on Saturday night for me. Combat Engineers, first in last out -.-

On my way in, i suddenly had this inspiration to go for a jog, being such a quiet, breezy night and all. Then i remembered that i didn't have my running gear in camp. Bummer...

***

How many times have i had this urge to do something but was unable to because i lacked the proper equipment? How many times have i wanted to say something for God, do something for Him, but am unable to because i wasn't well equipped in his Words?

That dumb dumb taxi uncle we met on our trip back from the airport came to mind. Sure, he was a stubborn old man who wasn't too right in his head. I had tried numerous approaches to try and share with him my faith, but failed miserably. No thanks to the bunch of extra baggages in the back seat who were too busy laughing at me being called "Ah Boy..." >.<

Yet there's this nagging feeling that i had not tried hard enough, and that i could have done much more if only i were more strongly empowered with His Words. Or rather, that my life has yet to reach the standard that befits my thirst for His Words. All knowledge and not living any of it isn't going to to do me or anyone any good.

Haiz... gotta get equipped! More importantly gotta have the lifestyle to go along with it! No point getting all the running gear if i'm not ever going to run ya?

Leave of absence

Ok if you notice on the right, when u scroll to the bottom now there's a new flickr flash icon thingy! Haha...

Dumb i know. Just wanted to mention it in case no one ever notices it >.<

Anyway will be stuck in the range (where ppl shoot at targets...) for the next couple of days. Might not be able to blog or be online at all for that matter. Then again, i might just blog on my fone... Haha...

Anyway yea, don't miss me too much ^ ^

Btw, i need Bible Verses while i'm out there, pls sms me whoever's free :)

I want a...

New camera phone... Realise that 90% of the pictures in my flickr account are uploaded by my secretary ^ ^

So many things i wanna record down in life! But then again, can't anyhow take pictures in the army haha...

Criterias for camera phone:

1) Easy to upload to computer

2) At least 2 megapixel quality

3) Uses my existing memory sticks, ie. Sony phones...

Choice No. 1:



Upgrade to my current P910i, but i HATE the built in keyboard that is no longer removable on the upgrade >.< Plus this phone has been delayed and delayed... wonder if there's something wrong with it? But i really prefer writing smses to using T9 input...

Choice No. 2:



Upgrade to my previously owned K750i. Looks almost exactly the same, in fact nothing much has changed. All the specs are the same, except for the different earphones and the walkman function, which brings about the question: Why sell the K750i in the first place? >.<

Choice No. 3:





3 Mega-pixel upgrade to the K750i! No walkman function, and it looks kinda thick -.- Still... it looks like a likely contender if it comes with proper earphones... Heh...

***

Anyway, NONE of the phones are out yet. Surprisingly though i've already got the money for the phones saved up this time round. Plus by the time my birthday comes round, i'll have my quarterly bonus to throw in as well haha... Seriously though i gotta stop changing phones. Its really a waste of money. But... well, its still better than splurging on girls ^ ^