Quote of the moment

"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must first put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross daily, and follow me."

Luke 9:23 (NLT)

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Blogger's Block

Been on off the past few days, had wanted to Blog, but suddenly realised that i had nothing to write about. Nothing i would like to put on my Blog anyway.

Bloggers got no life

Now who was it that said Bloggers had no life? If they had no life (like ME), they would have NOTHING to write about. It is those minute things we come across in our daily lives that give us that spark.

Anyway... gotta run. Visiting my dad's Godfather, aka. my Godgrandfather at his house. Doctors say he may "go" anytime... Sigh...

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Lonely Heart

Does anyone besides me compose songs as you walk... especially in the dead of the night, feeling all lonesome (with abit of fright). Ooooh that rhymed! In a amateur kinda way hahaha... DUH.

I do. And although the tune and the lyrics change all the time, they tend to revolve around a subject - Loneliness.

And yes, its in chinese... Haha... I don't remember the song, but i know the key words... These are just phrases that popped into my head... They're not supposed to flow to become a complete song by themselves ya?

一个人独自走
孤单的心谁能懂
黑夜里的我心中是那么的沉重
没有你的我活着到底为了什么
冷风吹起心中的寂寞
月光嘲笑我孤独的影子
冷面热血谁能懂

And my fav!

酒逢知己千杯少 (well known)
谁知知己万难找 (my own!)

Haha crap, even the comments rhyme ^^;

我相信有一天你一定会出现
我是那么期待那天的到来!
但我也怕。。。
怕我不懂得珍惜
怕我不配你的爱
如果我变了,做错了,请你不要走
你的爱一定能唤醒内心里真正的我
如果你放弃了,走了,可以的话,等我!
有一天我会来找你,不论天涯海角
当我找回我自己,当初等待你出现的我
请你接受我这不完美的爱
一个不完美的人所能给的最完美的爱。。。

In case u're not bilingual... Or like not chinese or something, let me attempt to translate it...

I believe in the day that you appear in my life
Oh how i look forward to that day!
Yet i can't help but be afraid
That i would not treasure you
That i would not be worthy of your love
If i should change one day and betray your love, please don't leave me
Your love shall awaken the ME hidden beneath
Yet should you give up and leave, please wait for me, if you will
I will come looking for you one day, wherever you may be
The day i find myself once more, the person that i was whilst waiting for you to appear
Please accept my imperfect love
The most perfect love that an imperfect man has to offer...

Hahaz... suddenly feeling very sad. DUH. Cheerios

Self Discovery

WOW! Justus joined us today!


Eh... like thanks guys. Last night after our Formation 40th Anniversary Dinner at Mount Faber SAFRA, i went down this place called Villa Bali for drinks. And yea, i really really really seldom join my colleagues.

Anyway everyone was like oggling at the girls that were present (A surprisingly goody lot of em too). I wasn't really in the mood and so i was just sitting back, chilling out, fiddling with my phone taking random snaps and sipping my red wine.

Things got rowdy cos SOMEONE got drunk AGAIN. I think he does it on purpose to himself for some unknown reason. To down 3 glasses of red wine in a row is suicide... at least for him. And he was supposed to drive us all back >.<

As usual the gang had to send him home. I called his girlfriend who was staying with him... His mum came down as well. Everyone was like angry with him... Esp since he was leaving for Gentings in like 6 hrs time. Doh...

Anyway... What am i talking about???

Lost track hahaha...

I got to meet this girl who was interesting in a very intellectual way AND visually appetitising. Not exactly WOW, but delectable. Lol... Notice how i link girls to food? To be eaten yea? Bleah... Kenna slapped for sure.

Anyway. I didn't do anything. By that i meant i did not release the full force of my charming self upon the poor girl. Not that it works on EVERY girl. But hell i could have tried. But i didn't.

What can i give her?

Despite being abit tipsy, with fire in my blood. My 26 years of wisdom (add another 1000 yrs from my daily reflections)gave worthy counsel.

What makes you think she'll find YOU interesting?

Even if she does and we eventually fall heads over heels in love, what do you have to give her?

Notice again how i think TOO far into the future? But i always do... the possibility mah... Afterall, according to the wisdom passed down, a platonic relationship between a guy and a girl is impossible. Argue all you want, but generally its true. Unless of cos someone ain't too straight. Which probably suggests that the only point for a boy to want to know a girl is to start a relationship with her. I don't know about you, but when i say relationship, i mean a proper, lifelong commitment kinda relationship, ie. Marriage. Alien concept? >.< Of cos... these days its THOSE kind of relationship that involves alot of moaning, groaning, sweating and grinding...

So for me, it goes back to the problem that i've been trying to solve, but been unable to. My purpose in life. And not having found it means there is no point in disappointing a girl, who's life would have peacefully gone on had i not barged into it and left in a mess. Disappointment. Yeap. Expectations of a seemingly intellectual individual who could have the world at his feet. Bah...

Yeap, i've grown up abit more. ^^

Oh, incidentally i found out the CO of one of my reservist's unit's the VP and GM of HP (Singapore). He didn't SEEM that zai... Uh... random musing haha... But yea, i wish i was half as accomplished... boooooooo...

Pictorial Post

Ok... Kenna complain too wordy, fine. Had wanted to post this yesterday but the picture link button was down...

Cute? A church mate's son (Err... he is a HE right? Lol...)





And while walking home yesterday... I loveeeee my neighbourshood, so GREEN ^^;



Sudden inspiration to take this picture haha... Small plant which i angled to capture its elders in the background watching over it... Nice hor...? Say yes!



And when i got home... Xiaobai was kind enough to pause that TWO times for my slowpoke phone to capture his 尊容(zun rong).



Now this shot he looks kinda messed up.



And that's that for now. Realised i still love taking pics... But not many chances to go out of my cage and see the world ar...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Wow seems pretty accurate lol...

The 3 Variable Funny Test

So i'm abit off from the rest of the ppl my age who had taken the test lol... But VULGAR... am i? Eh... Ok maybe i am with my crude references haha...

Anyway yea, results (The html codes given screwed up my webby so i had to just grab the words out):


The Idiot Savant

(23% dark, 65% spontaneous, 52% vulgar)
your humor style:
VULGAR | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT


You like things silly, immediate, and, above all, outrageous. Ixne on the subtle word play, more testicles on fire, please. People like you are the most likely to RECEIVE internet forwards--and also the most likely to save them in a special folder entitled 'HOLY SHIT'.

Because it's so easily appreciated, and often wacky and physical, your sense of humor never ceases to amuse your friends. Most realize that there's a sly intelligence and a knowing wink to your tastes. Your sense of humor could be called 'anti-pretentious'--but paradoxically enough, that indicates you're smarter than most.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Johnny Knoxville - Jimmy Kimmel

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on dark

You scored higher than 99% on spontaneous

You scored higher than 87% on vulgar

Who reads this anyway

Someone was asking: Does anyone actually read your site?

Come to think of it, probably not haha... At least not right now. But someday people might. Anyway i blog not for readers, but more so that my ideas don't run away from me. Getting old, memory's not as good as before haha...

As the title says, this is just a collection (as in trash bin) of my random thoughts of the day. Somedays u get nothing, other days like today i'm sitting here at work blogging away haha...

Somehow its very satisfying to sit down and complete a lil'write up. Although as it is, my work's seriously unpolished. Ideas and arguments jumping all over the place, hardly organised. But then, i don't edit my posts to beautify em, type em under 15mins and voila, publish! What you expect huh?

Still... i believe with more practice i'd get better.

Oh just updated my LINKs finally. The blogs that i check out now and then. Fav read's Wit and Spit. Her articles are like WOW. *Envious*

Next up, time to pick up html and web designing. Gosh to think i used to be a computing student lol... Even my sis knows html already >.<

Dreams

Date today's 23 Aug 05. Dream Wedding Date 07 July 07. Less than 2 years away lol... Looking at it, i doubt that'll be possible haha...

Ok what i'm going to say is to be taken in the right light. ESP YOU (yes kids from church might be reading this haha...).

I am currently not attached, but there is someone i adore alot. Nope, not from our church. Nope, not in Phase 2, definitely in Phase 1 of her life haha... Nope, we're not dating, we don't go on dates AT ALL. Infatuation? Have no idea. Doubt it, but i say that about relationship don't i? Who will believe? Haha... But don't worry, i AM handling this differently. I'm actually WAITING to see what God says. Wooooo! Rare! Haha... Not that i've any choice, seeing how YOUNG she is still. But there is this maturity in her that i respect. She knows too that things might change in the future, and she understands why we should not be making promises we can't keep. So yea she's waiting too. BUT i'm NOT happy with her handling of those idiotic guys around her... >.<

Its been 2 years since we've known each other, about a year since we started getting to know each other really well. Our target's about 2 and a half more years before we reassess and determine if we should date. My gut feel's that it'll prob be close to 9 years (possibly 6 depends...) before she can be sure about herself. Yeah... i'll be an old git by then. Boo... ^^

Its a long time to plan for and wait. There's a high chance everything will just fall apart by itself without us ever starting to date. The thing is, the only way we can be sure is for us to wait. If we ignore everything and rush in right now, yea we'd have a happy, crazy romance, but it'll most definitely be short-lived. I don't want another short "fling". I adore her too much to risk it. Yea, so much so i rather nothing happen at all...

I need time to sort out my life as well anyway. Whether i will become a full-time servant of God or have a successful career in the world, or even better BOTH ^^. Either way, i need stability in order to love. I need to know where i'm going so she can skip along beside me. Now i'm worrying that 6-9 yrs may be too short lol...

Now YOU better be vigilant too my dear... Too many wrong steps would lead to a downfall ar... I'm the best example there is -.-" And yes... i ain't comfortable with your recent "exploits" X.X

Oh oh... you guys have GOT to hear her speak mandarin. LOL.. damn cute and adorable. Ok i'm making her sound like a puppy (pun unintended...) Haha... She needs to learn to loosen up more tho... easily achievable in our church ya!

Yeap yeap thats all folks. Just felt like letting it out haha... I'm STILL single ya... Just not THAT available ^^ Unless of course you THINK you're THE ONE and she's not. Feel free to send your application to justus_tan@yahoo.com.sg hahaha...

Getting prepared

I'm like Moses and his gang of merry men, stumbling through the wilderness for 40 years... when they could have reached Canaan in like 40 days had they gone STRAIGHT instead of circles...

Early in life i had been gifted with His words. I understood clearly what had to be done, and what i should avoid. But somehow the order was skewed and i AVOIDED what had to be DONE >.< (And yes... bashing headlong into what should not be...)

I see life in 3 phases. Age is neglegible. Some people take forever in a certain phase and skip past the next. *shrug* (So yea! i'm NOT old... cos i just finished phase 1... bleah...)

Phase 1 is where you learn about life, experience it and are all caught up in it. I get this feeling most people flounder about in this phase for most of their life actually... Hmm... (Ok FINE, so maybe i AM old -.-)

Phase 2 is when you REALLY get to know God, see His plans for you, and SEE yourself through His eyes. Ewwww... Puke... Yucks... This is when you struggle to break away from your previous phase's bonds, where perceived-reality engages in a tug-of-war with reality-eternity. What you can see VS what you can't. This is just the preamble, yet to many its almost a world war by itself. (i'm being torn apart as it is... ~.~)

In this phase you start hearing voices. "This is wrong!" "No it isn't... you aren't looking at it in the right perspective..." "Ok, i promise this is the LAST time..." "Argh... just one more time and i'll quit it ok?" "This is what you should do!" "Ok ok... i'll do it tomorrow..." Sounds familiar? It sure is to me! >.<

Forward... backward... forward... backward... Progress? Eh... if you count the distance WALKED, its probably freaking long... But distance MOVED? Kinda like being on the threadmill... For me, i need to anchor my life to God, totally and irrevocably. Jump off the threadmill, out of my comfort zone, and start roughing it out leapard crawling through the warzone. Easier SAID than DONE though...

Phase 3 is where the REAL battle is. Previously you were fighting for YOURSELF. Now you're fighting for those you LOVE. Not that you can't be in Phase 3 while being in Phase 2. I believe there's alot of overlapping for many people or rather EVERYONE (since the Apostle Paul was also caught between Phase 2 and 3...)But that overlapping are should be reducing, and we should be gravitating towards a fuller Phase 3, with regular visits to Phase 2, kinda like check-ups lol... Its a co-existance, bouncing to and fro thing i guess.

So how close am i to my ideal state? Just one step away. A step what would probably take all my life to reach ^^; But hell yea, i'm STEEEEEEEPPPPPPIIIIINNNGGGGG OOOOOVVVVEEERRRR RRRRIIIIGGGHHHTTT NNNNOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW... (Slow mo X 10000000000) :D

I would like to thank God...

Just during the preparation for my formation's open house cum 40th anniversary, in which i was in charge of setting up a Lan Gaming corner...

- I asked for 11 queue poles, but God gave me 14, and it turned out that i calculated wrongly and 14 was really just nice.

- I decided on using 24 computers although as far as i know our offices only have a total of 21 computers that can run the game i wanted, of which 2 were known to be down. Had thought that our HQ had more computers that i could loan, but just 2 weeks before the actual thing realised that they didn't... God gave me 4 more computers the next week from 2 other units sharing our building and made it possible for me to revive one of the broken-down computers, hitting 24 JUST NICE.

- 10 men were supposed to come under me and help set up 3 tentages, 3 camouflage nets, shift in 12 tables, 24 chairs, a projector screen, a projector, 24 computers and decorate the place. None came till the last week, and even then, only 1 came. Yet God made it possible that some of my specs would come down to help me whenever they could, and i always had 3 men, including myself doing the work. It was crazy, but yea we did it with His help.

- I had not actually planned for it, but God gave me 2 guys from MINDEF who were involved in the project that i was using as a game. They were a great help, helping me set up the game sessions and debug any problems on the day itself.

- My crowd control plan kinda flopped cos the crowd was really too unpredictable. God made it possible that we were able to adjust accordingly, maintain a good turnover with minimal waiting time AND everyone helping me had a good time joining in the game whenever there weren't enought people in a cluster.

There are more i'm sure, every single moment leading up to the event... But of course, these are the more prominent and obvious ones. Blessed? Hardly... I'm just more hopeless than His other followers, so He had to come save my sorry ass ^^

Thursday, August 18, 2005

@$$ holes...

Haha... pardon the title ^^ Boy i've been pretty busy these past 2 weeks. Dumb Formation Anniversary is THIS SAT! (OMG!!!!) and i've been rushing to get my part done up. So yea, here i am sitting under a TENT, INSIDE an air-conditioned room, surrounded by 24 computers hahaha... Not that i'm complaining, at least i get to stay cool while the others slog it out in the hot hot HOT sun :)

Ok, what brought about the title? Well, i was laminating some stuff in the office earlier when RSM burst into my office delegating one of the clerks under his charge to help one of my warrant officers. Once he left, the clerk very quickly highlighted that he is excused carrying heavy load, before we could even task him anything. Like wth... So my guy asked if he can help load some sandbags into a vehicle. The clerk was like, how heavy is it? Cos if its too heavy my back will break... blah blah... Another warrant officer who was present mildly asked how he came by his condition, to which the clerk answered that he had broken his back before. I almost burst out laughing when the warrant officer mumbled: Then you should be paralysed what, not standing here telling me you're excused heavy load. *LOL* At this point i asked the clerk specifically what the doctor excused him for, i mean heavy load, how heavy is heavy? What condition is it exactly. Cannot lift? Pull? Push? Arm problem? Chest? Upper back? Lower back? He got intimidated and quickly gave some excuse to leave the room just then haha...

You know, whenever i see these people, i feel so pissed off. I'd be reminded of my good old pal, Xin Hao, who was my clerk in NS, he was plaqued with leukemia, yet that did not stop him from serving his NS as a Singaporean. And here you have a perfectly healthy guy trying to "smoke" his way through NS and proclaim he had "served NS".

He's not the first i've seen. There are many others. Usually people with enough money to see a dozen specialists and get a medical excuse from one of them. I mean hey, these days which doctor would take the risk? You keep seeing me for some problem that i could not detect, for my own sake, i better excuse you just in case you really do have that problem... Why take the risk?

These are the people who "serve" the army yet have no idea what it is all about at the end of the 2 yrs, yet brag to others (ie. girls) that army is bullshit, a waste of their time blah blah...

No, not all clerks and people with genuine medical problems are like that, like i said, my clerk was a Class one clerk ^^ But there are alot of the BAD sheep about. If i had my way, i'd kick the whole lot of these freeloaders out of the army and declare in their portfolio that these people had NOT served NS due to medical reasons. And these references WILL be seen by prospective employers in the future. Evil? Hey, if you really do have that problem, your employers would have to know so as to give you the correct medical benefits. If you were simply faking it in the army, no way am i going to let you go that easy! How many people miraculously "recover" from their ailments the moment they leave the army?

I do not claim to be a patriotic person. But i simply can't stand whiny little boys who do not understand National Duty. Boys who may become successful businessmen, lawyers, doctors someday but never do understand what loyalty to country is all about. How can you even claim to be willing to die for the country when abit of running, sweating, muscle aches, minor injuries, are already too much for you?

I may have my complaints about the army as an organisation, but hey, i'm pround to have gone through the "good old days" when we can be made to do push-ups and sit-ups for 2 hours straight as punishment (err... its a tekan session, nowadays every 20 push-ups must allow the soldier to rest -.-"), gone through a 10 day field camp where on the 5th day we're allowed to take a REAL bath, but the moment we step out of the shower were made to do push-ups and sit-ups in the mud... Its inhumane to a certain extent, i hated the instructor and swore never to become like him. But yea i lived through it. The agony of having our arms throbbing and aching from all the push-ups that we could not bend our arms and had to help each other pull our t-shirts off... I believe it was a good experience. Its not the hardship that our grandparents went through during the world war, but it DOES make MEN out of BOYS. I don't know about others, but hell i EARNED my rank, whether you like me or not, respect me or not. I've learnt so much during those years that made me into who i am. I may the happy-go-lucky, lazy bugger you see right now, but heh, i simply had not found something to throw myself into. I've learnt to never-say-die, to just grit my teeth and keep crawling through the mud. I believe, that there is a future out there worth living for ^^

Monday, August 01, 2005

Weekend musings...

Hurray for me! I finally made my way back down to cell group after an absence of a billion years. Although there were many times during the hours leading up to it that i had wanted to back out. Trust me it is HARD to return after so long. I felt kinda alienated and strange. But pretty soon my natural knack for poking fun at others and making a joke out of everything kicked in and everything was alright again ^^

Oh before i forget, (yes i'm going out of point as usual...), i heard this quote somewhere that "You won't know how something tastes like until u take a bite, but by then its too late for regrets." Tough to understand? Hehe... I'm sure you're get it... SOMEDAY... :D

Oh oh! i'm having SO much fun with my phone. Check out some of the pics i took ^^



And a panoramic shot of my void deck using the function on the phone... damn impressive ^^



Cool? Get the K750i :)
Heh, Sony Ericsson should pay me for adverts ^^

Ok back to the topic lol...

We had a discussion about submitting to God's Will. And there was this example cited: Would you submit and watch the person you love marry someone else? Haha... of all things... God is SO amusing sometimes, the way He drops hints at me. Bleah... The prospect of this happening is looming pretty large in my life right now. Well... So long as its what she wants, and God agrees with it, why not? I will submit. It won't be easy, but i will... Hah...

Anyway... i'm quickly getting myself ready in God's eyes to receive His intended bride for me. Lol... Prob my good mood thats putting me into the mood for love once more hehe... 7th July 2007! My dream wedding date hahaha... Impossible it seems now, but who knows eh? :D